Sharing Time

Tonight I didn't get to cooking dinner, so we went out. We sat all of the kids at one side of the booth and I got to sit by the hubby (YAY).  We had about 5 or so people come up and ask if we had triplets or how old our kids were, they would then ooo and ahh over their cuteness and we would agree and thank them. Dinner was pretty uneventful and the kids did really well at eating their balls (peas), chicken and fries with an added treat of chocolate pudding at the end.

As I was walking out I hear "Excuse me ma'am."
I think to myself...'Oh, no! Were our kids to noisy? We tried to keep them on their best behavior"
The lady then states "It is not often that parents get complimented.."
My thoughts again "ooooo we were to loud, dangit!"
Sweet lady "You couldn't see me but I was watching you all night, whatever you are doing is working, those kids were great"
My eyes started to water. ( I must get my leaky eyes fixed) "Thank you so much, that is so nice to hear. Often we are told we have "bad kids" because we are foster parents, it is nice to hear we are doing something right. Thank you"
Lady "Please keep doing what you are doing, because whatever you are doing my daughter definitely isn't."
Me "Thank you sooo much."
Lady "you are doing a very good job"

We then got up to the booth to pay our tab, and were informed that it had been taken care of. Thank you lord for the good people in this world and thank you lord for knowing that I needed to hear that I am doing something correct.

And on another not. Our eldest said to me "Mommy, I want one." as we sat down to dinner (dang eyes freakin' leaked again!) Now this may not seem much to most, I mean she is almost three..why would this bring tears to my eyes? Well because when we got her she had about a 10 word vocabulary and wasn't even doing two word sentences yet. I am one proud mommy tonight! I am so blessed to have these evil monsters in my life, I sure love them so very much.

The good with the bad.

Our kids are getting VERY settled in!
THE GOODS

• The kids are doing FAR less rocking, in fact I don't think most people would even notice the rocking
•  When they wake up they actually call out for me! This means they are starting to trust me.
• They make requests for needs (food, hugs, to get up)
• They are starting to explore their surrondings.
• They tell me "no"
• They know if they need us we will be there!

THE NOT AS GOOD....

• Because they aren't rocking they have more time to fight with each other..
• When they wake up they make sure to wake you up too
• They are very loud when they demand things
• The kids are doing FAR less rocking, in fact I don't think most people would even notice the rocking
• Nothing is safe! I found one of the monsters laying IN the tree...feet and hands dangling
• They tell me "no"
• All I hear all day "mom, mommy, mo-ommmm" ...... "hi"

I am loving it! I am loving them!! I couldn't imagine not being their mommy.

New traditions.

Now that we have kids for Christmas, and likely forever kids, we are starting family traditions. We have decided that every year everyone gets to decorative their own stocking and it isn't complete without a hand print. This year we struggled with the urge to eat the paint....but they turned out beautifully!

What we have been doing....

O where to start. We were the first people on the tree lot, we got the best tree and we were off. The Tree was up that night and we put the lights on it while the kids were in bed. We wanted to decorate the next day but life got in the way. We turned the lights on for the kids that night though and they stood in front of the tree and  just ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed for a good 15 minutes. Our little Mr. Drama Queen even bent down and kissed the lights.

 We finally got to decorating the tree, we let the kids do all the ornaments so well our tree looks like kids decorated it but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

My dad was out in the city a couple weekends ago so we met him at his hotel and took the kids swimming with my littlest sisters. When we first put the kids in the pool you would have honestly though we were killing them! They screamed SOOOOO loud. By the end of it they were doing okay but at first, holy freaking to the cow, they hated it. I am honestly thinking it was their first time swimming.

The next day we headed to The Festival of Lights. The kids loved it so much that we went through twice. Our oldest little monkey, Princess Mini Mom, kept saying "HOOK MOMMY,HOOK" (look mommy look). She was in heaven! The twins even stopped fighting long enough to see all the pretty sparking light. I think my favorite part was when Princess Mini Mom pointed to the reindeer and said "HOOK mommy puppy!" 

I am loving being able to see the world through my kids eyes. I love watching them doing things for the first time and it brings so much joy to my heart. But as much as I love it these monsters wear me out! They have their own language (not kidding about that!) and they plot against me. We are also ending our "honey moon period" and I am seeing a lot more sass, and attitude and everyone is so dang emotional! I am really crossing my fingers that I get to be their mommy forever, but I don't want to get my hopes up to high..

Now for the hard question. What do I get them for Christmas!? WAHOOO WE GET KIDS FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Things are getting real up in here

I don't remember if I mentioned and I am to lazy to check. But with our current little monsters their mom has already relinquished. Trial had now been set for the dad in about a month. I am freaking out and there are so many thoughts and feelings going on right now.

Crazyness at last!

So, what is going on with my you may ask. Well we got a call for 5 kiddos, and then they didn't come into care..and then we got a call for three kids and well they didn't come into care.. and then FINALLY we got a call for another three kids and they were in care and needed picked up ASAP. So for just over a week we have had one year old boy (Prince Drama Queen) and Girl (Princess Sassy Britches) and their two year old sister (Princess mini mom). So right now I have two one year olds and a two year old, only they are all about the same age developmentally so it is more like three one year olds..... I have been slightly busy, But I love it! The only reason I am able to write an entire blog is because the hubby took all three kids, by himself (yes I think he is crazy!) out to breakfast to give me a break.

I love driving and looking back and seeing my entire back seat full of car seat and screaming kids. These kids have their own language.. I am not kidding!.. and they plot against me. They are VERY good plotters and they are firm believers in divide and conquer, they are very good at it as well.  I feel like I heard cats all day....If you don't know what that means they you should get about 10 cats and try and heard them.

Non kid related news, Blaine got a truck on Thanksgiving. He has a 1968 Ford F250. We are no longer a 1 car family!! That means I am no longer stuck at the house all day long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am excited about this. It isn't like I really go anywhere, and I am not brave enough to go out alone with the kids again, but knowing that if I ever get crazy and want to leave I can is well...refreshing.

O O O O O OOOOOOJHJJ we have new carpet and I freaking love it!

Okay I think that is all.

When to say when.

What has been going on in my life. Well I have been sick for almost two months now. I am finally on the mend but I am lacking in energy (I am sure depression doesn't help with that). Blaine has been sick for almost a month now and seems to be getting worse instead of better, he has some new antibiotics so hopefully soon will be back to normal.

Our girls have gone. We got a 30 minutes notice then were leaving (yes I am VERY bitter and hurt over this!) As soon as I got the notice I ran the girls to Blaine's work so he could give them one last hug. When I got home their stuff was everywhere. It sucked! I avoided it all for a few days and then finally when through and packed up their stuff. However because of the little notice I keep finding things and remembering how much I miss them. I hate saying goodbye it sucks! The other night Blaine mentioned that he misses being called daddy, My heart crumbled.

I am really hoping that we get a placement !soon! this house is WAY to quiet! I don't know what to do with myself when I am not care taking. I know that I should be cleaning and cooking but it seems pointless when it is just the two of us. Does anyone else of this same problem.

You may know that we recently (two months ago) started a remodel project that was only supposed to last a couple of weeks........However do to crazy lives and sickness this project has just say unfinished. We still need to sand and pain....does anyone want to sand? But we are getting we carpet! WAHOO!! It is super duper cheap but at least it wont be stained, at least for a few minutes.

We were finally able to sell my car. I miss her so much though. I loved that little car. I purchased her brand new she was pretty and nice and a good friend. But do to our growing/shrinking/then growing again/shrinking family the little car just wasn't cutting it when it came to car seats so I had to let her go. Currently we are a one car family causing me to be stuck at home a lot.

This weekend we are headed to my home town to help the family sell calves. Working cows is something Blaine has discovered since marrying me and he loves it (he is a strange strange man). My cute little city boy enjoys working cows...who woulda thunk it.

I am pretty sure one of our kittens is pregnant. Anyone want a kitten?

Lately I have been debating again on what to do concerning my cramps. I wish there was a way to know if I was even ovulating so I knew the next step. Bodies freaking suck and infertility is kicking my freaking big butt.

So how is life in your world?

Did you miss me?

I know, I know it has been a while. We have been doing some knocking down of a wall and building of other walls. We are turning one of our living rooms into a bedroom so we are able to take 6 kids at a time. I can't wait to have a house full.

Right now on the remodeling we have the dry wall up and I think mudded, now we just need to paint, do finish work and carpet. We also need to build another wall up front to create a closet for our freezers to live in. I also had to get rid of my piano because the freezers took it's home. I miss my big piano, now how will I torture my kids with piano lessons?

Right now we still have our little ladies. I am pretty sure they will be going home in about a month. Some transitions are harder then others, I think that this one is going to be a hard one.

We are trying to sell our car right now so if anyone wants it please please buy it!

I am running out of things to write about, someone PLEASE give me ideas.

US!

To a New Dear Friend:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read our letter. We would like to give you a small glimpse into our life, and help you get to know us a little bit better.  We want to make sure you know how much respect and admiration we have for you.  Your bravery and love is an amazing attribute that is in short supply.  You are in our hearts always; we hope only the best for you and your baby in this and all your journeys.

About Us

We live in the beautiful state of Utah. We are the proud parents to three dogs, two cats and a hedgehog.  Our house is always full of the sound of laughter, dogs snoring, cats purring and our hedgehog “Donkey” running in his wheel.  We enjoy going to the movies, trying new restaurants, helping my parents with their small ranch, taking drives in the mountains, white river rafting and making everyone laugh. We have recently joined the Patriot Guard Riders where we are able to welcome soldiers home, be there to say good bye when they deploy, and show our deepest respect at a fallen soldier’s funeral. We are foster parents and love it. Our biggest dream is to have a large family full of love, support and unconditional love.

About Blaine

Blaine is a computer nerd; if your computer is broken he will make it work again.  Blaine is very quick witted and sarcastic. He loves teaching others his talents. Blaine was raised in the city, and since marrying Heather has decided he wants to be a country boy. He LOVES helping his in-laws with their cows and counts down the months, weeks and days until he gets to help herd cows. He loves the outdoors. He loves to travel and was able to travel to other countries while in the army and can’t wait to see more. Blaine served his country for four years, as part of which, he served in Iraq. Blaine is the middle child of five kids. He loves sharing his knowledge with his nieces. He is always the favorite when children are around and loves entertaining and getting down on the ground to play with kids.

About Heather

Heather was raised in small town in Utah where she ran, made “secret” forts and caught random critters and bugs. She is the oldest of eight. Heather is also very quick witted and sarcastic and enjoys making people smile and laugh. Heather gets to stay at home and take care of the house and foster kids and she LOVES it. Heather loves to take kids outside to enjoy and learn about the beauty Mother Nature has created for us. Heather loves to travel and because of her many family road trips when she was younger has been able to see many State and National parks in the USA. Heather loves to hang out with her family and laugh.

A few words Heather would use to describe Blaine

Funny, playful, strong, even tempered, loving, stubborn, hard worker and a go getter.

A few words Blaine would use to describe Heather.

Quirky, fun loving, kind, caring, compassionate, eager to please, smart, funny, and always helping others.

We are so excited to grow our family through adoption, and not just with a child but with everyone that loves that child.  We are so lucky that our children are going to be loved by so many; adoptive family, biological family, and great friends.

Love,

Heather & Blaine

(As well as our three dogs, Molly, Trey & Hudson, our cats Lilly & Gus, and our hedgehog Donkey.)

I hate being human

For some reason I thought a miracle happened and I got pregnant this month. Hello painful horrid cramps! Why am I dumb and think something that will never happen, happened. Well I am off to perform a self removal of my uterus before it kills me.

Cracking the gate

One of the biggest struggles I have had is figuring out how much to allow these sweet angels into my heart. It is something both my husband and I struggle with. It is a way of guarding out hearts so we hurt as little as possible when our angels go back home.

You look at them and your heart screams " I am going to love you forever and never ever let you go, there is no way I could ever let you go"

Then your head chimes in "hey dummy there is almost a 100% chance that they are going home, hold back!"

There always seems to be this internal battle in us debating on how hard to fall in love with these kiddos. With our first placement we fell hard and fast. When they left we were crushed, it was hard to function. The second placement was a little easier but still we were crushed.

This weekend I saw my husbands gate crack a little and let the angels in even more. Now my husband has this thing about little girls. I think every daddy needs a daughter it is just an amazing beautiful love and bond. This weekend I just saw his heart open even more for these two little girls that he already loved so much. Seeing this warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. I hate to see my husband hurt. And I am certain that when our current angels leave we will be so heart broken.

I can't wait until we have angels that stay, and for my heart to say "Fall hard, fall forever, they are yours!"

Melting again

Jbug holding daddy's finger while he feeds her.

Fatherhood

To those of you that question weather or not my husband is a father. He is the greatest father I have met. He has loved on, tucked in, told stories to, comforted, taught, guided, listened to and fallen in love with seven children in this past year. He is a father in the truest sense of the word. He has also had to do something many fathers never have to, and has had to say goodbye to his children. Yet he still stands tall and keeps going. So to you I say. My husband is an awesome father, and I am blessed to see him raise our children

Melting

Here is a list of things that made my heart melt this weekend.

• The baby curled up on his shoulder 
• My brothers "sneaking" our oldest food after she dumped her plate and I told her she was done
• My dad loving every child that comes into our home so much that his heart breaks with ours when they leave
• My mom loving every child that comes into our home so much that her heart breaks with ours when they leave
• Seeing loved ones that live to dang far away and getting lots of hugs
• Watching our oldest wonder off
• Watching our oldest play
• They baby SCREAMING with other people and smiling the second I take her back and cuddle her only the way a true mommy me can
• My gramma telling me she is proud of me
• The way my husband still looks at me
• The poor sad kitten that has 5 toes on one paw and 6 on another and tiny little eyes and small ears.
• My family

Yes I am a horrible selfish person

I need to vent for just a moment please

I am tired of raising other's kids! I just want to have kids that don't leave until I kick them out. I just want to be a mom. I want to be the one the chooses how my kids are raised and how they are educated and if or when they get shots and if they sleep in my bed and who I let watch them. I WANT TO BE A MOM! I am tired of being a freaking Fill in! I am tired of not being able to fall head over heals in love with these kids because I know they will break my husband and I's heart. I just want to know what it feels like to look in a childs eyes and know that I am incharge of protecting them, teaching them, loving them, and embarrassing them. Why can't I just want what I have....


Yes I know I am blessed beyond belief but right now I am just angry and hurt and I miss something I always wanted and likely wont have.

Weekend Away

This last weekend Blaine and I went to Park City to enjoy a little "us time" it was SOOOOO nice! My parents were also in Park City so we got to spend some time with them. I have fallen in love with Colorado Chile and the Blue Iguana I ate it two meals in a row, I am very very addicted. We got to go swimming in the hotel pool we also sat in the hot tub.  We walked old Main in Park City and also went to an improve comedy which was a blast. We also just did a lot of nothing and enjoyed each other. It was just what we needed.

On the way home we stopped at Cabella's to pick up Blaine's Father's Day present. He requested fishing poles for each of us and a tackle box. Sneaky boy made it so I get a present too..... Now I can't wait to go fishing just to find the time.

This weekend helped remind me why I married my Hairy Hubby. He is an amazing man! I was reminded that I am the most amazing lady in his eyes. He spoils me rotten and puts me first. I sure love my Hairy Hubby.  He is an amazing father. His heart has been broken over and over again in our journey to become parents and yet he still allows himself to fall in love with these kids that will only tear our hearts out in the end. I love glancing over and seeing two little girls cuddled up to him and at peace.

Thank you Blaine for everything you are and everything you make me want to become. I love you sexy hairy hubby.

Ramblings

Lately I find myself falling very hard for these two little girls in my home. And they the horrible voice in my head says "I really hope the go home soon so it doesn't hurt as bad!"

I feel like I haven't seen my husband much lately, when he gets home it is time for dinner and bed. we get to have an away weekend starting Friday and I am SOOO excited! I am also very excited to go swimming in the hotel swimming pool!! I am a child and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE hotel swimming pools.

I am so glad it is finally warming up, I try and go on walks once in a while because it seems to help my mood. I also just recently got a free sit and stand double stroller and I love it! The girls seem to like it too.

I don't know what else to blog about..

I am alive... I think

Sorry that I have been AWOL we are all trying to settle. My house is a horrid mess anytime the kids are both not screaming I just want to sit and do nothing. I have been making dinner most nights which is good because I feel like a horrible wife if dinner isn't done when my hubby gets home from work. Dinner is one thing I pride myself in and I enjoy cooking as long as I know what I am cooking. My kitchen, front room and laundry are out of control. I feel like I am drowning! Since getting use to my house semi clean this chaos is stressing me out and making me SO grumpy, but I can't seem to get the umph to do anything about it. I just really want to sleep and sit and do nothing. I also find I am missing my husband. By the time dinner and baths and the girls are in bed I just want to collapse. Blaine seems to be very stressed which makes him go to his own corner. When I am stressed I seem to get clingy and needy...so well this doesn't always work.

Our family dynamic seems to change a lot, from just the two of us and trying to have kids, to just the two of us and figuring out how or if we will ever have kids, to waiting for foster kids, to our first placement, to mourning and emptiness to our hardest placement ever, to deafening quiet to two babies. I wish I could figure out our normal and that it wouldn't change so much. I have a hard time adjusting and it seems like once I kind of get it it changes SOOOOO much.

I am not a good house wife, I don't know how to clean and I can't wrap my head around how people keep a tidy house. I also feel like we have a hard time because  I feel like not everything has a home and they keep moving around the house. With foster kids we have to have stuff for ages 0-18 (because we accept all ages)  I don't know where to store this stuff when not in use. We have a TON of room in our attic but it isn't easy to get to and we don't own a ladder.

Because I feel like I don't have any control over the change in our house I want to control something. I REALLY want to change the color of our room. I however do not know how to be cute and craft and decorate. I also am allergic to spending money so I don't know if that will ever happen. But I really need a change I can control.

Some days I get really really bitter and angry. I hate that I can't have kids...and I don't mean birthing kids I just mean I really want some kids that don't leave and take my heart with them. I hate that I can read kids that I care take better then their parents. But I also know that I am not what these kids need, they need their parents I am just a place holder.

Do any of you fellow foster mom's have a hard time transitioning? What do you do to make it easier?

crazy wonderful..or just crazy

Sorry that I have been AWOL. I don't really have much to say. we got a new placement about a week and a half ago. We now have two girls the youngest being 2 months and the oldest is just 12 months and 19 days older then her. So things have been crazy.. or FREAKIN' CRAZY!! I think I am getting re-used to no sleep. I always hate the in between period. I get used to sleep and "me time" and it makes transitioning hard on me. Looks like we will have these girls for about 8 months.

I seem to have a lot of hard days lately I am ready to just have my own kids that don't leave. I feel like getting down on the floor and throwing a "two year old" fit. Hopefully one day we will get some kids that don't leave until we kick them out and change the locks.

It has been nice to see Blaine holding two sweet babies, one tiny and one HUGE. But I am going to have a hard time watching his heart break when they go home. Daddies just have such a special bond with their little girls. I have become a firm believer that every Daddy needs a daughter.

I am having a hard time working cleaning into my schedule. My house is even gross for me and I don't like that AT ALL!! I am happy if I get dinner cooked lately and I used to pride myself in having dinner done and ready when my husband walked in the door.

Over Easter weekend we got some family pictures taken. It was so much fun!! Thank you so much for doing them for us Kristin! Kris did a wonderful job. I know she was nervous (because she told me) but she did wonderfully. My family is HUGE and well we are ummm loud and sarcastic and mean and just weird. Here are some of the picture she posted for a sneak peak. I think the pictures are proof of how CRAZY we are!

O and some amazing friends (heck they are sisters weather they want to be or not) have started a recipe blog. You can check it out Here!

Answers...

to the few people that played a long on my prior post

Devin if I was an animal I would definitely be a bear, a big mean momma bear

Kristin, you can't think of a question because you know me so well and well we are both pretty dang boring

Mama Foster you didn't ask a question but that is okay cause your blog helps me feel that crazy is normal

Rachel, I will confess my love to you now. You are my most loved sister named Rachel, and I even love your face!


It isn't to late the rest of you can play just see the post about sleep being boring.

New addition to the Roberts household

Most days at least one of us if having a good day and coping with infertility well. This works out best for us because it also means that at least one of us has a little common sense. Well today I feel we may both be suffering a bad infertility day and not coping with with the fact that we can't just grow our family whenever we want to. Do to this and the EVIL EVIL  KSL (KSL is not really evil and well I am addicted to KSL (online classifieds)) we now had a very sweet 4 year old obese chocolate lab named Hudson.



How could you go look at that sweetie and not take him home. The one looking like a ditzy clown on the left hand side is Molly and she is very grateful to have another big dog to run around with.

Hudson is fitting in very well with the family and even our neurotic, grumpy, old man of a little dogs seems to get a long with and love Hudson, this in and of itself is very amazing because Trey is a bit of a jerk and well an old man and very set in his ways.

Well that is what is going on in my crazy life. How do you cope with days when both you and your partner have a rough time with infertility?

pshh sleep is so boring...

So I should be sleeping, but the house seems to be to quiet to sleep. So I have been watching the stats on my blog and I just wonder who is actually reading. I would love to know who is reading. Please leave a comment telling me who you are, your favorite color, and where ish you live. and then ask me something you want to know. If you have the guts to ask I will have the guts to answer.

My name is Heather, I love the color purple and I live in my house, in beautiful Utah.

Saying sorry

Every time I make toast and jam I feel guilty. The reason being is when I was was a kiddo I requested (likely demanded) my dear mother to make me some toast and jam and I then threw a HUGE  fit because she put butter on before the jam and I did not want butter on my toast just jam. Now I have to have butter then jam or else it isn't as yummy as it should be. So to my mommy I am sorry I was a horrible child I am trying to be a good adult.

To the room mates I had when I lived in Provo,
I was a HORRIBLE room mate. I was moody, I wasn't clean, I was in and out at very strange hours, I smoked and I didn't follow through.

To Toni and Michelle. I wasn't always honest and I wasn't the nice and I often used you for excuses. I am sorry!

To my siblings, I wasn't a nice sibling I was mean and I hurt you all physically and emotionally and for that I am sorry. Know that I will always love you and be here when you need me.

To everyone that I have said the wrong thing to or said nothing at all to I am sorry. To all those I have hurt I am sorry.

Teens in foster care.

Last night we went to an open forum about teens in foster care and the need for parents. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is labeling foster kids as "damaged, bad kids", "kids with issues", "trouble kids". I get very defensive when hearing things like this and visualize myself punch the person in the face a few times. Granted we are newbies when it comes to foster care, we have only been licensed for a year and have only had 5 kids placed in our home. But the kids we have gotten really are amazing kids, and they are survivors.

One of the questions asked was how long do bad behaviors last once they are placed with you. HELLO!!! they are teenagers. I was not in foster care, I have amazing parents. When I was a teenager my parents and I hated one another, yes they will agree, now that I am growed up I can't imagine my life without them. But I  well I was a peach (except not so much). I started drinking at 15, I started kissing and more with boys at 14, I was raped at 14 and then well lets just say I say myself as THAT being the only thing I was worth to men, I started smoking pot at 15 or 16, I would often sneak out of the house and be gone all night, or I would just leave  to go hang out with friends and not come home until wee hours of the morning, there were times that I would leave for at least a couple days, I did not speak nicely to my family and I was okay with dieing. Let me repeat, I was NOT in Foster Care and my parents are and were amazing people.

Just because you are or are not in foster care doesn't mean you should be put into a box. I don't like how labeled foster kids become. They are kids! They are humans! They need someone to give them a hand and a heart. To those that ask, "well what if I get a foster kid and they yell at me or don't listen to me, or they do drugs or run away or have sex?" and I say.. What if you have a kid and they yell at you or don't listen to you or they do drugs or run away or have sex?? Does that mean they don't deserve your love, loyalty and guidance?

Quiet

This house is super duper lonely and quiet. I keep thinking I need to feed the kids and wake them up and keep with our routine. THERE ARE NO KIDS TO KEEP THE ROUTINE WITH!!  At least that is what I keep reminding myself of. Some minutes I handle things better then other minutes. I sure miss them and  wish all the best to them and their family.

So now we sit and wait. We are accepting 0-18 and hoping for kids that are potty trained. We never know when, how, where, who, what, or why we will get a placement. I hate that us wanting kids means kids are going through trauma, it makes me feel guilty for wanting children that badly.

Also there are not carbs or chocolate in this house and I keep twitching and going through withdraws.

Bordem

Sometimes on a Saturday when you are laying in bed watching Ugly Betty this happens

Dear Depression

So we meet again, you seem to visit at least four times a year. When the season change you come and visit, I really don't like you! I hate when you come for a visit when I already have a lot going on, it sure makes it harder to make you leave. I also don't like when life doesn't allow me to wallow for a while. Right now I really need to go get in bed and stay for a while, do nothing, make no decisions not have to care for anyone, and just be. As dumb as this sounds I seem need to embrace you before you can leave, and the longer I go without embracing and wallowing the longer you stay and the deeper I fall.

Depression, when people ask what they can do to help how am I supposed to say "let me do nothing, but don't tell me you are letting me do nothing."  I am tired and I need you to leave.

Heather

On a happier note I have new hair! The hair dresser did it super super duper cute too!

Banker's Daughter

I am a banker's daughter.. I have a very odd relationship with money, it actually controls my mood. This year we got taxes back instead of having to pay, YAY WAHOO WOOT WOOT, we have needed a new bed for a while so we decided to splurge, we found an awesome log king size bed and an awesome mattress all for only $850 and both were delivered. I love our bed it is so super comfy and amazingly incredible. Also our new bedding is my new best friend, I think it is the first bedding I have ever really liked.

We have been flying high on sleep and a comfy bed. Well until our dishwasher decided to be a jerk and DIE. I would kick it but it wouldn't be worth the energy. Now we are KSL-aholics  we get pretty much everything on KSL so I started searching for our new dishwasher. Dishwasher posters of KSL you are CRAZY with a capital C R A Z Y wanting $100-$200 for a old, very used and usually broken dishwasher. So well I decided to start looking at brand new ones.

Friday after an ER visit and dropping our current "monsters" at their visit, we went to Best Buy ( I am okay with never buying anything there ever), then to the Sears scratch and dent, then to an appliance repair and used shop (that was a joke), then to RC Willey's outlet store.......and then back to the Sears outlet. Are you tired yet because I was. Well we found a few we kept opening and closing and looking at and shutting and walking away and then coming back and opening them and closing them and then looking at the ones we could never afford and then going back to the other ones.. and then we finally found our new Dishwasher. She was 40% off looked more gooder (yes I use that phrase) so we took her home installed her and washed all of  our dishes, yes ALL of them because we hadn't had a dishwasher in close to a week and I have been to crazy, exhausted, sick, and such to even think about hand washing dishes. She is sooo super duper amazingly quiet and makes our dishes sparkler, she has so much more room and I can put things where ever I want I don't have to draw out a diagram for every load I am going to wash to make sure everything gets kind of clean.

After this purchase I was feeling dizzy and faint and made Blaine promise no more big purchases for a while because THIS "Banker's Daughter" couldn't take it. He promised, he is a good husband and listens and even obey's some of the time.

Well this morning we woke up and were pulling out of our drive way as I receive a call from my banker of a father. "Heather your SUV needs new tires before we take it on our family vacation" (iin three weeks)
Me "Yes Father I know"
Banker of a father "Big O is having a buy 2 tires get 2 free but only for the next 29 minutes CALL RIGHT NOW"

So well we have new tires now. I expect hives any moment now.

Crazy life = crazy wife

Things have been a bit hectic here. Blaine had surgery February 17th to remove his tonsils. It wiped him out quite a bit, he is starting to be a little bit normal. On top of taking care of the helpless hair hubby our current monsters came back from visits a few days after the surgery super duper sick. I don't even remember sitting down last week but I am sure I did. On top off all of that I had a horrid ear infection. Now that the boys are feeling a little bit better my sister was nice enough to share a cold with me that her students shared with her. I want to just curl up and cuddle for a few days.

Looks like the boys will be going home in about three weeks. I am thinking we may do older kids for our next placement. We have always been open to kids 0-18 but preferred under 10. I think we are going to request 5 and older so we can do more fun things like games and outings and stuff. Also I want a break from diapers.

I can't believe it is march already!

O we have a new addition two cute little hedgehogs, we are selling one though because I don't want to clean two cages

O and we may have baby birds in about a month, currently our Ruby has laid two eggs, her and Munchkin have been doing very well at sitting on and protecting the eggs.

I am boring someone give me an idea of something to write or vent about.

resisting the urge...but not well

When I am really struggling with infertility I want an animal preferably a very tiny baby animal. I REALLY REALLY want a puppy, or a hedgehog, or both.. okay I want both. The logical part of me is telling me that I don't need more animals.. but the want is overwhelming and winning. I have been battling myself for a few months now.  I think if I walked by free puppies Blaine would come home to a bunch of furbabies..
KSL classifieds is of the devil...

Roller Coaster

It is amazing how feelings can be so drastically opposites at the same time. I can't believe the roller coaster that comes with foster care. I think everyday the Hubby and I say we can't do this anymore, we are done, we are tired and the stress is hurtting our marriage, but some how we wake up every morning and do it all again. We hate that it sometimes feels like we are the only ones fighting for the best of the kids. But do we really know what is best for them or do we just want what is best for us. I feel that I am very selfish doing foster care. I feel all the reasons we do it are because of us. Because we can't live in the empty house, because we need the noise of children, and because we want to be parents so VERY VERY badly. But it isn't fixing the parent thing. I don't feel like a real mom, I don't get to make the choices, I get to raise the children in my home like I am told. To most involved in each case we are the bad guys. We are the reason that the kids aren't with them. Now the logic side of me knows we aren't the bad guys, we are not the reason the kids are in our care. But it hurts so much loving them like they wont leave knowing that they will. I always feel guilty celebrating holidays and milestones with the kids because they aren't my milestones and holidays to celebrate I feel like I am stealing the moments from the real parents. I guess my heart is just hurting right now.

News from the Us

I am a grown up now, I am on a committee! I am part of a committee for an adoptions retreat. Info can be found HERE . It is going to be neat. I am excited. I am fairly new to the adoption world so I don't know much about adoption and it seems like and awesome way to learn more.  They are going to have speakers from many areas of the adoption world. I am excited to learn and listen and be around people that all share a love of adoption. Also there will be food, fat girls like me LOVE food.



It looks like the boys will be going home in a little more then a month, at least I am 93% positive that they will be.  Its sucks.. I don't really know what else to say other then that. I am not sure how many more pieces of my heart I can send away.

OOOO Exciting new!! My little sista RaeLene who just recently became an graduate of college and received her teaching certificate, is now employed WOOT WOOT she will be living with us until the end of the school year. WAHOO a live in maid and chef... but shhh she doesn't know that she is yet. I am oddly super duper excited to help grade papers.

My hairy hubby recently turned 30.. wow he is sure and oldie but I still love him. his party went well.

I have been doing better at keeping my house cleanish. I am very proud of this because I have to try VERY hard to get it done. Infact right now I should be cleaning but well I have a blog post to write!

As of today I am official library card carrying (that is a weird word) member of society. Now to try and remember how to use a library...

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/dorkyfish

What is your favorite part of foster care?

Those moments when I forget that they have to go home. When there is only the "now" and it is great.

When the twinkle comes back into their eyes.

When you see that first real smile and hear the first real laugh

When you see them overcome something they have been battling for so long

Thank you for this question!

Ask me anything

Agoraphobi

Dictionary.com defines Agoraphobia  as "abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas,sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks." It also goes on to say "a pathological fear of being in public places, often resulting in the sufferer becoming housebound." 

• I really dislike leaving the house 
• I despise being in a large group, especially when most if not all are strangers
• I have this really odd thing where I can't stand in a walk way or feel like I am in the way of others.
• I often talk myself out of leaving the house, even if the event I am leaving for sounds fun or is something that I REALLY need to get done, like grocery shopping.
• Parties usually stress me out and I try and melt into a wall so I am not noticed
• Being the center of attention makes me blush
• Strangers are scary

I think I feel comfortable enough diagnosing myself with with agoraphobia. Will someone please come kidnap me and make me social and all that normal stuff. Thank you!

Adoption

The Hairy Hubby and I have decided that the only way we think we can afford adoption right now is a Private Adoption.  That means no agency, just us, lawyers and our birth family. That means we need to find our birth family. We need to get our name out there. We need help. I want to set up a blog for us on blogger and I would love some help and tips. I need to do pass along cards (let me know if you want some) we need word of mouth, tips and advise. Please help if you wish. Ask questions.. Thank you!