I am alive... I think

Sorry that I have been AWOL we are all trying to settle. My house is a horrid mess anytime the kids are both not screaming I just want to sit and do nothing. I have been making dinner most nights which is good because I feel like a horrible wife if dinner isn't done when my hubby gets home from work. Dinner is one thing I pride myself in and I enjoy cooking as long as I know what I am cooking. My kitchen, front room and laundry are out of control. I feel like I am drowning! Since getting use to my house semi clean this chaos is stressing me out and making me SO grumpy, but I can't seem to get the umph to do anything about it. I just really want to sleep and sit and do nothing. I also find I am missing my husband. By the time dinner and baths and the girls are in bed I just want to collapse. Blaine seems to be very stressed which makes him go to his own corner. When I am stressed I seem to get clingy and needy...so well this doesn't always work.

Our family dynamic seems to change a lot, from just the two of us and trying to have kids, to just the two of us and figuring out how or if we will ever have kids, to waiting for foster kids, to our first placement, to mourning and emptiness to our hardest placement ever, to deafening quiet to two babies. I wish I could figure out our normal and that it wouldn't change so much. I have a hard time adjusting and it seems like once I kind of get it it changes SOOOOO much.

I am not a good house wife, I don't know how to clean and I can't wrap my head around how people keep a tidy house. I also feel like we have a hard time because  I feel like not everything has a home and they keep moving around the house. With foster kids we have to have stuff for ages 0-18 (because we accept all ages)  I don't know where to store this stuff when not in use. We have a TON of room in our attic but it isn't easy to get to and we don't own a ladder.

Because I feel like I don't have any control over the change in our house I want to control something. I REALLY want to change the color of our room. I however do not know how to be cute and craft and decorate. I also am allergic to spending money so I don't know if that will ever happen. But I really need a change I can control.

Some days I get really really bitter and angry. I hate that I can't have kids...and I don't mean birthing kids I just mean I really want some kids that don't leave and take my heart with them. I hate that I can read kids that I care take better then their parents. But I also know that I am not what these kids need, they need their parents I am just a place holder.

Do any of you fellow foster mom's have a hard time transitioning? What do you do to make it easier?