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Monday, February 7, 2011

resisting the urge...but not well

When I am really struggling with infertility I want an animal preferably a very tiny baby animal. I REALLY REALLY want a puppy, or a hedgehog, or both.. okay I want both. The logical part of me is telling me that I don't need more animals.. but the want is overwhelming and winning. I have been battling myself for a few months now.  I think if I walked by free puppies Blaine would come home to a bunch of furbabies..
KSL classifieds is of the devil...

Roller Coaster

It is amazing how feelings can be so drastically opposites at the same time. I can't believe the roller coaster that comes with foster care. I think everyday the Hubby and I say we can't do this anymore, we are done, we are tired and the stress is hurtting our marriage, but some how we wake up every morning and do it all again. We hate that it sometimes feels like we are the only ones fighting for the best of the kids. But do we really know what is best for them or do we just want what is best for us. I feel that I am very selfish doing foster care. I feel all the reasons we do it are because of us. Because we can't live in the empty house, because we need the noise of children, and because we want to be parents so VERY VERY badly. But it isn't fixing the parent thing. I don't feel like a real mom, I don't get to make the choices, I get to raise the children in my home like I am told. To most involved in each case we are the bad guys. We are the reason that the kids aren't with them. Now the logic side of me knows we aren't the bad guys, we are not the reason the kids are in our care. But it hurts so much loving them like they wont leave knowing that they will. I always feel guilty celebrating holidays and milestones with the kids because they aren't my milestones and holidays to celebrate I feel like I am stealing the moments from the real parents. I guess my heart is just hurting right now.

Friday, February 4, 2011

News from the Us

I am a grown up now, I am on a committee! I am part of a committee for an adoptions retreat. Info can be found HERE . It is going to be neat. I am excited. I am fairly new to the adoption world so I don't know much about adoption and it seems like and awesome way to learn more.  They are going to have speakers from many areas of the adoption world. I am excited to learn and listen and be around people that all share a love of adoption. Also there will be food, fat girls like me LOVE food.

It looks like the boys will be going home in a little more then a month, at least I am 93% positive that they will be.  Its sucks.. I don't really know what else to say other then that. I am not sure how many more pieces of my heart I can send away.

OOOO Exciting new!! My little sista RaeLene who just recently became an graduate of college and received her teaching certificate, is now employed WOOT WOOT she will be living with us until the end of the school year. WAHOO a live in maid and chef... but shhh she doesn't know that she is yet. I am oddly super duper excited to help grade papers.

My hairy hubby recently turned 30.. wow he is sure and oldie but I still love him. his party went well.

I have been doing better at keeping my house cleanish. I am very proud of this because I have to try VERY hard to get it done. Infact right now I should be cleaning but well I have a blog post to write!

As of today I am official library card carrying (that is a weird word) member of society. Now to try and remember how to use a library...