Pain

Sunday was my birthday. It was a low key day. My mom insisted on making a cake, she is an amazing woman. My kids loved the cake. Yesterday we said goodbye to my dog of over 10 years. I didn't know it would hurt so much. This past year has sucked. I know I am supposed to find joy and gratitude but it has sucked. I was hoping that the coming year would be a little better, but it started off horrible. I am breaking, I am hurting and I am not sure how to fix things.

Dreaming

Does dreaming horrify anyone else? Or is it just me? I am not talking about those crazy things your brain does while you are sleeping. I am talking about hoping and dreaming, -one day I will have a sports car -one day I will have 8 kids -one day I want to be a astronaut -one day I will be happy -one day my life will settle down -one day I will get a new fridge. Honestly any dream or hope scares the bajeebees out of me. I like to say I am a realist but I am pretty sure I am a pessimist. I don't like being disappointed. When I hear of something 'good' that could happen I think of all the bad things that will happen to prevent that from happening. I often wonder if I bring on my own bad luck, I am sure I do but hoping and 'knowing' better will happen gives me a panic attack. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I hate risk. I don't like the unknown. I love predictability.  I crave it and when I don't get it I start rocking back and forth get the tiniest bit bitchy and shut down. I can't be the only non dreamer out there....

7 month

It has been seven months now since our family started living separately, our home has been on the market now for 3 months, the kids have been sick approximately 234,983,402,349 and 4 times since this all started, my minions have asked and least an infinity plus 7 times if daddy is at work/trailer/gone, I have dealt with more rages/tears/defiance/ then a person should have to go through in a lifetime.

But with all of that I guess I should counter the whining with some positives, I appreciate Blaine so much for how hard he works for our family, I am learning our kids really do love their daddy (yay for a RAD victory), I am learning how to pretend to keep a cleanish house (even if the realtors all said it needs cleaned and stinks) I am learning how strong my relationships are with my loved ones. I am also learning that mom's NEEEEEEEEED breaks, so I am going to the Bahamas for a few days with a friend. (I might not come back)