I need a weekend away with my husband. I sure seem to miss him a lot. It seems like lately we are always going and we don't get to enjoy each other as much as we used to
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Does EVERYONE have to be pregnant? I hate that I wont ever have a natural child birth. I hate that I don't get to decide weather I breast feed or use formula (I HATE FORMULA) I hate that I don't get to choose how to raise the kids in my house. I hate that I can't feel a baby kick. I have no control over the care of the child in utero. I am angry I am mad. And I am tired of rising other people's kids all for them to go home and everything I have done be un done. I am tired of worrying sick about kids that aren't mine while they are on visits. I hate that I can't just get nekkid with my husband and "ooops we weren't planning to get pregnant so soon" we wont even be married a year by the time we have our first. I want push a baby out and look it it in it's gooeyness and see my husband in it's face. I thought I was over this but I am not. Ever since I could remember I wanted to breast feed and have a home birth (I know it isn't aloud in Utah) I wanted my mom and husband to be there holding my hands while I scream in pain. I wanted to feel the baby kick my bladder. I never got a bridal shower since we got married so quickly (oddly that made me very sad) and I wanted to atleast have a baby shower..for once I was going to be okay with attention on me. I want to see my husband be a daddy and not have worry about how bad it will hurt when they leave. I hate having to worry about weather or not to get on birth control because of the "what if". I hate the actual physical pain each month that says "haha your aren't pregnant" I hate that I can't share pictures and laughs and heart aches with many people when it comes to the kids in my house do to privacy. I hate seeing some people that get to be parents...well if you define a parent as someone who shares genetics with the child...not in the actual parenting part. I hate that I deal with the hard parenting stuff and "they" have the fun stuff... weekends and holidays and birthdays. I want the bad with the good. I don't like having much control on how I plan out my time.. I have to plan around "their" time. I hate how angry I get when I see posts on KSL and Freecycle requesting things for their unborn/born children because they can't afford to get it. Why don't they post the child on KSL or Freecycle.. I would be willing to take that. I don't like when people call me a saint. I am not a saint. I am selfishly doing foster care because I can't stand how lonely and quiet our house is.
Now I know that I have blessings. I have an amazing man as a husband. I am blessed with an awesome family that supports me in everything, doesn't judge me and loves me no matter what. I have a house, our bills get paid mostly on time and I have food in my belly. I also live in the prettiest state.