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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Not meant to offend

Does EVERYONE have to be pregnant? I hate that I wont ever have a natural child birth. I hate that I don't get to decide weather I breast feed or use formula (I HATE FORMULA) I hate that I don't get to choose how to raise the kids in my house. I hate that I can't feel a baby kick. I have no control over the care of the child in utero. I am angry I am mad. And I am tired of rising other people's kids all for them to go home and everything I have done be un done. I am tired of worrying sick about kids that aren't mine while they are on visits. I hate that I can't just get nekkid with my husband and "ooops we weren't planning to get pregnant so soon" we wont even be married a year by the time we have our first. I want push a baby out and look it it in it's gooeyness and see my husband in it's face. I thought I was over this but I am not. Ever since I could remember I wanted to breast feed and have a home birth (I know it isn't aloud in Utah) I wanted my mom and husband to be there holding my hands while I scream in pain. I wanted to feel the baby kick my bladder. I never got a bridal shower since we got married so quickly (oddly that made me very sad) and I wanted to atleast have a baby shower..for once I was going to be okay with attention on me. I want to see my husband be a daddy and not have worry about how bad it will hurt when they leave. I hate having to worry about weather or not to get on birth control because of the "what if". I hate the actual physical pain each month that says "haha your aren't pregnant" I hate that I can't share pictures and laughs and heart aches with many people when it comes to the kids in my house do to privacy.  I hate seeing some people that get to be parents...well if you define a parent as someone who shares genetics with the child...not in the actual parenting part. I hate that I deal with the hard parenting stuff and "they" have the fun stuff... weekends and holidays and birthdays. I want the bad with the good. I don't like having much control on how I plan out my time.. I have to plan around "their" time. I hate how angry  I get when I see posts on KSL and Freecycle requesting things for their unborn/born children because they can't afford to get it. Why don't they post the child on KSL or Freecycle.. I would be willing to take that. I don't like when people call me a saint. I am not a saint. I am selfishly doing foster care because I can't stand how lonely and quiet our house is.

Now I know that I have blessings. I have an amazing man as a husband. I am blessed with an awesome family that supports me in everything, doesn't judge me and loves me no matter what. I have a house, our bills get paid mostly on time and I have food in my belly. I also live in the prettiest state.

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