We have closed our home to foster care. It was a hard, painful decision to make but I think it was right for us.
It feels a bit (completely) like tying my tubes. Foster care is how we have grown our family, and we cut those ties. The hardest thing for me is that our family doesn't feel complete. When we are in public, I count my minions and constantly feel like '5' and '6' are missing, I look for them in a panic and then my heart sinks because I realize I don't have them. I am not sure how, if or when they will join our family, but o how my heart misses and loves them.
It was been nice and very strange not living under the thumb of foster care. I didn't realize the stressed and anxiety that was tied to foster care for me. I am grateful for the time we had to be foster parents. We parented 30+ kids, aged 2 months to 18 years. We learned, we hurt, we celebrated and we grew. I am still very passionate about foster care, and likely will always bill. It was a heavy door to shut.
I feel like I have also lost a part of myself. For 5 years I have been 'Heather, the CRAZY foster mom that doesn't say no to kids that people keep saying no to' yes I know that is a long title. It is strange just being 'Heather, the mom" It is strange knowing our phone isn't going to ring with the possibilities of extras on the other line. I miss it, but I also think I am okay with it. I guess it is time to figure out who and what I am without foster care.
Now I just need to figure out how to get away with stealing small humans.