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Monday, February 7, 2011

Roller Coaster

It is amazing how feelings can be so drastically opposites at the same time. I can't believe the roller coaster that comes with foster care. I think everyday the Hubby and I say we can't do this anymore, we are done, we are tired and the stress is hurtting our marriage, but some how we wake up every morning and do it all again. We hate that it sometimes feels like we are the only ones fighting for the best of the kids. But do we really know what is best for them or do we just want what is best for us. I feel that I am very selfish doing foster care. I feel all the reasons we do it are because of us. Because we can't live in the empty house, because we need the noise of children, and because we want to be parents so VERY VERY badly. But it isn't fixing the parent thing. I don't feel like a real mom, I don't get to make the choices, I get to raise the children in my home like I am told. To most involved in each case we are the bad guys. We are the reason that the kids aren't with them. Now the logic side of me knows we aren't the bad guys, we are not the reason the kids are in our care. But it hurts so much loving them like they wont leave knowing that they will. I always feel guilty celebrating holidays and milestones with the kids because they aren't my milestones and holidays to celebrate I feel like I am stealing the moments from the real parents. I guess my heart is just hurting right now.

3 comments:

Jared and Devin said...

so so sorry heather :o( i'm here for ya if you need to talk/vent. i know we haven't had placements, so i don't know exactly what you're feeling, but i do know the feeling of wanting to be a mom so badly! i know that feeling oh so well. let me know if i can do anything

Savannah said...

My heart hurts for you. Love ya!

MamaFoster said...

i understand very much. we started fostering to adopt, not to reunite families and it was selfish of us. BUT we didn't know what would come. we didn't know how we would change. we didn't know that WE may have started this journey for our own reasons but GOD led us here because of HIS own.

for us, every first might be a last. we celebrate a birthday for the first time and worry we won't be there for the next...

this is one of the hardest roads to be on, but we are the ones getting the kisses, the hugs, the tears, the cuddles, everything good thing to get from it we get. the rest...well, i have come to realize it is all just details. this is our family, just because it changes doesn't make it any less a family.