Changes

We have closed our home to foster care. It was a hard, painful decision to make but I think it was right for us.

It feels a bit (completely) like tying my tubes. Foster care is how we have grown our family, and we cut those ties. The hardest thing for me is that our family doesn't feel complete. When we are in public, I count my minions and constantly feel like '5' and '6' are missing, I look for them in a panic and then my heart sinks because I realize I don't have them. I am not sure how, if or when they will join our family, but o how my heart misses and loves them.

It was been nice and very strange not living under the thumb of foster care. I didn't realize the stressed and anxiety that was tied to foster care for me. I am grateful for the time we had to be foster parents. We parented 30+ kids, aged 2 months to 18 years. We learned, we hurt, we celebrated and we grew. I am still very passionate about foster care, and likely will always bill. It was a heavy door to shut.

I feel like I have also lost a part of myself. For 5 years I have been 'Heather, the CRAZY foster mom that doesn't say no to kids that people keep saying no to' yes I know that is a long title. It is strange just being 'Heather, the mom" It is strange knowing our phone isn't going to ring with the possibilities of extras on the other line. I miss it, but I also think I am okay with it. I guess it is time to figure out who and what I am without foster care.

Now I just need to figure out how to get away with stealing small humans.

Pain

Sunday was my birthday. It was a low key day. My mom insisted on making a cake, she is an amazing woman. My kids loved the cake. Yesterday we said goodbye to my dog of over 10 years. I didn't know it would hurt so much. This past year has sucked. I know I am supposed to find joy and gratitude but it has sucked. I was hoping that the coming year would be a little better, but it started off horrible. I am breaking, I am hurting and I am not sure how to fix things.

Dreaming

Does dreaming horrify anyone else? Or is it just me? I am not talking about those crazy things your brain does while you are sleeping. I am talking about hoping and dreaming, -one day I will have a sports car -one day I will have 8 kids -one day I want to be a astronaut -one day I will be happy -one day my life will settle down -one day I will get a new fridge. Honestly any dream or hope scares the bajeebees out of me. I like to say I am a realist but I am pretty sure I am a pessimist. I don't like being disappointed. When I hear of something 'good' that could happen I think of all the bad things that will happen to prevent that from happening. I often wonder if I bring on my own bad luck, I am sure I do but hoping and 'knowing' better will happen gives me a panic attack. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I hate risk. I don't like the unknown. I love predictability.  I crave it and when I don't get it I start rocking back and forth get the tiniest bit bitchy and shut down. I can't be the only non dreamer out there....

7 month

It has been seven months now since our family started living separately, our home has been on the market now for 3 months, the kids have been sick approximately 234,983,402,349 and 4 times since this all started, my minions have asked and least an infinity plus 7 times if daddy is at work/trailer/gone, I have dealt with more rages/tears/defiance/ then a person should have to go through in a lifetime.

But with all of that I guess I should counter the whining with some positives, I appreciate Blaine so much for how hard he works for our family, I am learning our kids really do love their daddy (yay for a RAD victory), I am learning how to pretend to keep a cleanish house (even if the realtors all said it needs cleaned and stinks) I am learning how strong my relationships are with my loved ones. I am also learning that mom's NEEEEEEEEED breaks, so I am going to the Bahamas for a few days with a friend. (I might not come back)

Grateful

Lately my life has given me a lot of opportunities to grow and learn lessons since August.

•  Blaine has had several periods of unemployment.
•  Blaine is now living and working in a town 2.5 hours away from the kids and I making me essentially a single mom to 4 special needs toddlers. 
• The husband and I haven't been insured since August.
• Needing to fix up the house and sell it. 
• We have had three deaths in the family
• The kids are crazy dis-regulated and testing as many boundaries as possible

I have had a lot of chances for growth. I am not very good at growing I get very grumpy, mean and depressed. I have been a BEAR.

My grateful list.

• I have a wonderful husband, this man is amazing and hasn't left or killed me yet and that speaks wonders of him.
• Even though my kids are so dis-regulated right now they are amazing kids, they are so well behaved (even at their worst) they are so sweet and loving and holy cow are my kids cute!
• Even a travel trailer can be a home as long as you are all there
• Alone time with my husband
• Alone time all by my own self
• Having a husband to cook for
• Bath tubs
• Margaritas
• Friends that listen to me whine for 4 months straight and still love me
• Seeing the magic of Christmas through my kids eyes
• Having kids that don't need expensive stuff and are happy with anything they get
• A vehicle that is safe, warm, paid for and fits all of us in it.
• Money that appears just when you need it
• Someone that doesn't listen and helps even when you insist you don't need anything
• People who feed us, it is so nice having someone take a task off my to do list
• My parents
• God

Grandma and Grandpa

It is so strange to think that now you are both gone. These are things that will always remind me of you both.

• Duct Tape
• Big Red gum but only half a stick
• "Good things come in small packages."
• Chores
• Horses
• Feeding calves
• "We sure are proud of you."
• Bear hugs
• Tongues sticking out when speeding
• Tongues sticking out while concentrating
• Ice Cream
• Dumpster Diving
• D.I.
• Chewy Granola Bars
• Apple Juice
• Milk
• Hard Work
• Service
• Determination
• Stubbornness
• You Are My Sunshine
• Loyalty
• Strength
• yodeling 
• Western movies
• Dr Quinn Medicine Woman

And SO many more things. 

Child hoarding

I am now the "official" Mommy to four children, ages 4, 3, 3 and 21 months. That sounds crazy right? I am so ready for a baby. I want one fresh from heaven so badly it makes my aching ovaries hurt! This does NOT mean I am not grateful for my nuggets, I am! They are mine, I love them. I just know we aren't done and I know Vince can NOT be the baby! I want to be able to breast feed so badly! I mean  it would be super cool to feel the baby inside me but I have such a STRONG desire to breast feed. Growing up all I ever wanted to do was breastfeed. Being a foster parent breastfeeding is not at option. Maybe this is a strange desire but I get so jealous to see mom's breastfeeding. This has been the hardest thing for me to mourn when it comes to infertility. What has been the hardest thing for you to let go of?

August

I am so glad to see August leave us!!
It started out with our youngest in the hospital.

Then Marjean and I got ear infection.

Then my grandma's health declined greatly

Blaine put in his two week notice on a Friday, they accepted it and then when he came on on Monday they had written him a severance check and our insurance was gone.

Looking for CDL work a little more local unsuccessfully, it looks like my husband is likely going to be an over the road trucker.

Complete career change, my husband is going from a computer nerd to trucking..

My grandma passed away. Family Drama! Heart breaking.

Being late to our youngest childs adoption.

Not knowing what our future holds or what to plan for.

September, please be nice!

Halloween

This is our first Halloween with any kids and it is also our first Halloween with our forever kids.

I really wanted to dress them all as Minions, because they are often referred to as Minions by many, but I wasn't able to find yellow hoodies like I needed. So instead we have.....

Ragedy Ann, a Clown and a Frog.

I couldn't find a wig for the clown so I used a cheerleader pom pom.

Eating ducks

This weekend I got to do something that I never though I would get to do. I got to be a mom, I got to take our children and enjoy a first with them. We went to the park and fed the ducks. I watched our children squeal in delight the moment they saw the ducks. I watched our children almost fall in countless times. I captured my twins "accidentally" putting their toes into the water. I saw the wonder and amazement as they threw bread crumbs to the birds and coaxed them closer.  I laughed when they told their Grandma great with so much sincere excitement or pride that they just  got done "eatting the ducks." I am one super lucky lady to have such adorable kids.

Magical Moments

Nothing is more magical then seeing the world through your children's eyes (wait I have kids...WOW)! Last weekend we had a party to celebrate the adoption. We had snow cones, home made root beer, ice cream, hot dogs and hamburgers, potato salad and chips. I don't know that my kids got much food but they each got AT LEAST two HUGE snow cones, by the end of the party they were covered in. There were balloons that blew away before the party started and a pinata at the end. By the time everyone left our kids (I smile every time I say that) could barely keep their eyes open and they were covered in a sugary, sandy, grassy paste only mad by having fun and enjoying life. The wind tried to blow everyone away but other then that it was perfect!

The next day we went to the zoo....We heard this ALL day long and the Magic was just as magical every time I heard it!

The party was perfect, the zoo was perfect and my family is perfect. I am one lucky Mommy!

I can now breath!

They are ours forever!

Hunny, Sexi and Smelly!

RAD

So, we have recently learned that we will be living with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). It makes me feel so relieved to get a diagnosis and to know why I have been SOO exhausted. I had been feeling like a failure I felt like I wasn't getting ANYTHING done but I was so exhausted and mentally drained by the end of the day. I have felt like I am herding cats and running around in circles when all anyone wanted was a triangle.

We have been doing play therapy, I have even go to be the one in the room with the child. We have seen HUGE improvements, and also we have seen a lot of set backs, and "triggers." I am learning things I never knew I needed to know and sometimes I feel like I am driving through an obstacle course at 100 miles per hour with my eyes closed.

These kids are teaching me a lot and I am lucky to have them.

Adoption Party

So, we are finalizing our adoption in 4-ish weeks, we will be having a party to celebrate this amazing moment. Here is where I need you, I am NOT a party planner, I don't have large pockets, and well I am not good at all this stuff. I need so cheap, fun, easy ideas on what to do for this party. I don't want it to over the top because I DON'T what to stress my kids out. I want it semi low key but fun too. This is a HUGE thing for us, it is even bigger then our wedding.  One thing I do have planned is shaved ice and it WILL be amazing and super tasty. Our party will be from 3-5 so I don't plan of feeding people a meal. I would love some tips, ideas and advice.

Thanks you! Oh, and thanks you too!

We have kittens!

Four little tiny kittens were born on my couch this morning in my clean laundry...

Court today.

Three more months and they are ours FOREVER! That seems like forever away and so close all at the same time! I still expect the rug to be pulled out from my feet at any time. It doesn't feel real and I am still afraid that something is going to happen.

I am needing some resources on RAD in young children. Any info would be greatly appreciated. I would love books to read, blogs to read, things to do anything. Thank you

Our weekend

Saturday morning I woke up and went over the the Hairy Hubby's Aunt's house. She is a sewing pro, I lack in crafty skills. She helped me make some over sized bean bags out of body pillows. It was so nice and refreshing to be able to talk to her, she is such a strong amazing lady and I am very grateful to have her as a part of my life. We only had enough Poly Pellets to make one. It was given to my little Smelly, it has helped him fall asleep and stay asleep. I am so grateful for the over sized bean bag and he LOVE LOVE LOVES it. Now to figure out where to get some more Poly Pellets because my girls NEED these too.

We also had some friends in town this weekend. It was so great to see them. They were busy finding a truck to by so we didn't get to spend a ton of time together but we will get to see them more next weekend when they are out again for the car show. It will be my first ever car show, I don't know if I am excited or not...but I am excited to spend time with loved ones.

Saturday we decided since the Minions were FINALLY over their colds that we needed to get out of the house and do something. After a few attempts of other places we went to Jump On It. Sexy LOVED it.. she didn't even look back she went in full force and enjoyed every second! Hunny took a little time to warm up, but once she did she really enjoyed herself, she did remain cautious however and would look to us for reassurance. Smelly HATED it, he screamed and screamed and screamed they did have a foam pit that he enjoyed after screaming for about a minute but the blow up toys and trampolines horrified him. I love that my kids are 3 and under because it means most things are free!

Well that is my update! How is your life going? We have court next week, we should be getting our adoption date then.

adoption date

We should be getting an adoption date at court the beginning of March!

nap time?

I have three kids with horrid coughs and runny noses and on top of that the minions are also ALL teething. This makes for a grumpy momma. The minions now have different "online names" they came up with these name their self. We have Hunny she is our three year old girl we have Sexy our 2 year old girl and Smelly our 2 year old boy.

So what is new... umm Hunny had an EEG earlier this month that was NOT fun but it came back normal. She also had a dentist appointment and didn't try and punch anyone in the face this is a HUGE accomplishment.

Sexy is talking up a storm and starting to trust a little more, she is very bonded to the Hairy Hubby and I but does not trust anyone else. I am hoping we will be able to work through this. Poor kid has lived a life.

Smelly is finally starting to use his words. His little cheeks are starting to get a little chubby. He is also a charmer and can get anything he wants.

So we did a take two of swimming yesterday. There was only a little screaming! Smelly needs to get some meat on his bones he would have enjoyed it a little more if he wasn't freezing to death. Sexy didn't scream but head a death grip until about the last 10 minutes when she would "jump" off the edge to daddy (step off while keeping a death grip.) Hunny LOVED it she tried to float on her back and tummy and she would actually jump off the edge to me, she kicked, blew bubbles and was very upset when it was time to go. This swimming trip was a true testament to how far our kids have come. They are starting to trust, they are feeling safe and they are learning that mommy and daddy are sticking around and love them forever.

As for adoption. the judge still hasn't signed the order to terminate parental rights. I am not quite sure what to think about that. We have court about on March 7th I guess we will see what happens. I have had contact with bio mom and soon will be in contact with bio dad as well. This is all a very intimidating to me. I never know if I am doing things right. I want my kids to know who and where they come from but I want to keep them safe as well. I also want their family to be able to heal and know that the kids are safe and thriving. Does anyone have any tips on how to navigate all of this.

I am looking for some meals that are very much throw together meals, I would LOVE so ideas. Come dinner time I am exhausted and cooking dinner becomes very daunting. I am also getting bored of our "typical menu" I would LOVE LOVE LOVE Crock Pot ideas.

Do you guys have any questions for me? I know I am confusing and very random and jump ideas quickly and without warning. I would love to requests on what to write about.