Changes

We have closed our home to foster care. It was a hard, painful decision to make but I think it was right for us.

It feels a bit (completely) like tying my tubes. Foster care is how we have grown our family, and we cut those ties. The hardest thing for me is that our family doesn't feel complete. When we are in public, I count my minions and constantly feel like '5' and '6' are missing, I look for them in a panic and then my heart sinks because I realize I don't have them. I am not sure how, if or when they will join our family, but o how my heart misses and loves them.

It was been nice and very strange not living under the thumb of foster care. I didn't realize the stressed and anxiety that was tied to foster care for me. I am grateful for the time we had to be foster parents. We parented 30+ kids, aged 2 months to 18 years. We learned, we hurt, we celebrated and we grew. I am still very passionate about foster care, and likely will always bill. It was a heavy door to shut.

I feel like I have also lost a part of myself. For 5 years I have been 'Heather, the CRAZY foster mom that doesn't say no to kids that people keep saying no to' yes I know that is a long title. It is strange just being 'Heather, the mom" It is strange knowing our phone isn't going to ring with the possibilities of extras on the other line. I miss it, but I also think I am okay with it. I guess it is time to figure out who and what I am without foster care.

Now I just need to figure out how to get away with stealing small humans.

Pain

Sunday was my birthday. It was a low key day. My mom insisted on making a cake, she is an amazing woman. My kids loved the cake. Yesterday we said goodbye to my dog of over 10 years. I didn't know it would hurt so much. This past year has sucked. I know I am supposed to find joy and gratitude but it has sucked. I was hoping that the coming year would be a little better, but it started off horrible. I am breaking, I am hurting and I am not sure how to fix things.

Dreaming

Does dreaming horrify anyone else? Or is it just me? I am not talking about those crazy things your brain does while you are sleeping. I am talking about hoping and dreaming, -one day I will have a sports car -one day I will have 8 kids -one day I want to be a astronaut -one day I will be happy -one day my life will settle down -one day I will get a new fridge. Honestly any dream or hope scares the bajeebees out of me. I like to say I am a realist but I am pretty sure I am a pessimist. I don't like being disappointed. When I hear of something 'good' that could happen I think of all the bad things that will happen to prevent that from happening. I often wonder if I bring on my own bad luck, I am sure I do but hoping and 'knowing' better will happen gives me a panic attack. I don't like change. I like things to stay the same. I hate risk. I don't like the unknown. I love predictability.  I crave it and when I don't get it I start rocking back and forth get the tiniest bit bitchy and shut down. I can't be the only non dreamer out there....

7 month

It has been seven months now since our family started living separately, our home has been on the market now for 3 months, the kids have been sick approximately 234,983,402,349 and 4 times since this all started, my minions have asked and least an infinity plus 7 times if daddy is at work/trailer/gone, I have dealt with more rages/tears/defiance/ then a person should have to go through in a lifetime.

But with all of that I guess I should counter the whining with some positives, I appreciate Blaine so much for how hard he works for our family, I am learning our kids really do love their daddy (yay for a RAD victory), I am learning how to pretend to keep a cleanish house (even if the realtors all said it needs cleaned and stinks) I am learning how strong my relationships are with my loved ones. I am also learning that mom's NEEEEEEEEED breaks, so I am going to the Bahamas for a few days with a friend. (I might not come back)

Grateful

Lately my life has given me a lot of opportunities to grow and learn lessons since August.

•  Blaine has had several periods of unemployment.
•  Blaine is now living and working in a town 2.5 hours away from the kids and I making me essentially a single mom to 4 special needs toddlers. 
• The husband and I haven't been insured since August.
• Needing to fix up the house and sell it. 
• We have had three deaths in the family
• The kids are crazy dis-regulated and testing as many boundaries as possible

I have had a lot of chances for growth. I am not very good at growing I get very grumpy, mean and depressed. I have been a BEAR.

My grateful list.

• I have a wonderful husband, this man is amazing and hasn't left or killed me yet and that speaks wonders of him.
• Even though my kids are so dis-regulated right now they are amazing kids, they are so well behaved (even at their worst) they are so sweet and loving and holy cow are my kids cute!
• Even a travel trailer can be a home as long as you are all there
• Alone time with my husband
• Alone time all by my own self
• Having a husband to cook for
• Bath tubs
• Margaritas
• Friends that listen to me whine for 4 months straight and still love me
• Seeing the magic of Christmas through my kids eyes
• Having kids that don't need expensive stuff and are happy with anything they get
• A vehicle that is safe, warm, paid for and fits all of us in it.
• Money that appears just when you need it
• Someone that doesn't listen and helps even when you insist you don't need anything
• People who feed us, it is so nice having someone take a task off my to do list
• My parents
• God

Grandma and Grandpa

It is so strange to think that now you are both gone. These are things that will always remind me of you both.

• Duct Tape
• Big Red gum but only half a stick
• "Good things come in small packages."
• Chores
• Horses
• Feeding calves
• "We sure are proud of you."
• Bear hugs
• Tongues sticking out when speeding
• Tongues sticking out while concentrating
• Ice Cream
• Dumpster Diving
• D.I.
• Chewy Granola Bars
• Apple Juice
• Milk
• Hard Work
• Service
• Determination
• Stubbornness
• You Are My Sunshine
• Loyalty
• Strength
• yodeling 
• Western movies
• Dr Quinn Medicine Woman

And SO many more things. 

Child hoarding

I am now the "official" Mommy to four children, ages 4, 3, 3 and 21 months. That sounds crazy right? I am so ready for a baby. I want one fresh from heaven so badly it makes my aching ovaries hurt! This does NOT mean I am not grateful for my nuggets, I am! They are mine, I love them. I just know we aren't done and I know Vince can NOT be the baby! I want to be able to breast feed so badly! I mean  it would be super cool to feel the baby inside me but I have such a STRONG desire to breast feed. Growing up all I ever wanted to do was breastfeed. Being a foster parent breastfeeding is not at option. Maybe this is a strange desire but I get so jealous to see mom's breastfeeding. This has been the hardest thing for me to mourn when it comes to infertility. What has been the hardest thing for you to let go of?