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2012-01-24T19:05:00.001-08:00

Rights were terminated and my heart broke for the father. We will be adopting in May. I still don't believe it is true. I had to testify and it was was very intimidating and I was shaking like a leaf.

Ahh

2012-01-23T21:56:00.001-08:00

TPR tomorrow, scheduled for 8 hours, it is two hours away and it is snowing something fierce tonight.. just found out we are testifying. I am freaking out and my heart is breaking. I have no clue what to expect.

HELP ME!

2012-01-20T11:21:00.001-08:00

Okay.... I don't like to lose, so go HERE and like my photo! Heather & Blaine. Please help me win!!! Thank you in advance.

puke stinks

2012-01-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

No, really it stinks! The twins vomited every night for a week and a half. They were fine during the day, but come night time this momma was cleaning up puke. I was exhausted and frazzled and I felt like a failure, no matter what I tried my kids got sick every night. Finally when threatened with going to the doctor (not really) they stopped. I danced the first and second morning when my blanket search showed no evidence of vomit. I am not talking a little wiggle, I full on danced! I jumped, waved my hands all around wiggled the hips and shouted for joy. Finally the freaky, dumb bug is dead!! I hope it stays dead forever and ever and ever!

I also learned that my little dude grinds his teeth before, after, and during vomiting. This is one sound I can not stand (also the sound of Styrofoam.) both of these noises make me want to vomit. It is a pure miracle that I did not vomit while helping this sweet soul every night. Thank the lord for small miracles!

I also found my Sassy Pants rocking in her pile of vomit a few times. These poor kids are just barely starting to cry out when they need help.

The last few mornings I have awoken to this over the baby monitor 1-mini mom 2- sassy pants

1- "mom mom momma mom-e mom"
2 " dad?"
1- "dad gone, bye bye"
2 & 1 "mom come here!"

I will then go and "release the beasts" and Sassy pants will run down the hall while yelling to her brother "HOLD ON "insert name" MOMMA EAT!"

It is nice to wake up giggling at my silly monsters. I can't imagine my life without them. I REALLY hope they stay but I am so afraid to get my hopes up but I keep catching myself thinking in terms of forever.

Okay now I need advice. The Hairy Hubby and I have been having a debate... Is it okay for a mom to take her kids out in public in only their jammies? If you read this you HAVE to answer that question.. that is the law!

Sharing Time

2011-12-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I didn't get to cooking dinner, so we went out. We sat all of the kids at one side of the booth and I got to sit by the hubby (YAY). We had about 5 or so people come up and ask if we had triplets or how old our kids were, they would then ooo and ahh over their cuteness and we would agree and thank them. Dinner was pretty uneventful and the kids did really well at eating their balls (peas), chicken and fries with an added treat of chocolate pudding at the end.

As I was walking out I hear "Excuse me ma'am."
I think to myself...'Oh, no! Were our kids to noisy? We tried to keep them on their best behavior"
The lady then states "It is not often that parents get complimented.."
My thoughts again "ooooo we were to loud, dangit!"
Sweet lady "You couldn't see me but I was watching you all night, whatever you are doing is working, those kids were great"
My eyes started to water. ( I must get my leaky eyes fixed) "Thank you so much, that is so nice to hear. Often we are told we have "bad kids" because we are foster parents, it is nice to hear we are doing something right. Thank you"
Lady "Please keep doing what you are doing, because whatever you are doing my daughter definitely isn't."
Me "Thank you sooo much."
Lady "you are doing a very good job"

We then got up to the booth to pay our tab, and were informed that it had been taken care of. Thank you lord for the good people in this world and thank you lord for knowing that I needed to hear that I am doing something correct.

And on another not. Our eldest said to me "Mommy, I want one." as we sat down to dinner (dang eyes freakin' leaked again!) Now this may not seem much to most, I mean she is almost three..why would this bring tears to my eyes? Well because when we got her she had about a 10 word vocabulary and wasn't even doing two word sentences yet. I am one proud mommy tonight! I am so blessed to have these evil monsters in my life, I sure love them so very much.

The good with the bad.

2011-12-11T16:54:00.001-08:00

Our kids are getting VERY settled in!
THE GOODS

The kids are doing FAR less rocking, in fact I don't think most people would even notice the rocking
When they wake up they actually call out for me! This means they are starting to trust me.
They make requests for needs (food, hugs, to get up)
They are starting to explore their surrondings.
They tell me "no"
They know if they need us we will be there!

THE NOT AS GOOD....

Because they aren't rocking they have more time to fight with each other..
When they wake up they make sure to wake you up too
They are very loud when they demand things
The kids are doing FAR less rocking, in fact I don't think most people would even notice the rocking
Nothing is safe! I found one of the monsters laying IN the tree...feet and hands dangling
They tell me "no"
All I hear all day "mom, mommy, mo-ommmm" ...... "hi"

I am loving it! I am loving them!! I couldn't imagine not being their mommy.

New traditions.

2011-12-11T16:08:00.001-08:00

Now that we have kids for Christmas, and likely forever kids, we are starting family traditions. We have decided that every year everyone gets to decorative their own stocking and it isn't complete without a hand print. This year we struggled with the urge to eat the paint....but they turned out beautifully!

What we have been doing....

2011-12-07T21:13:00.001-08:00

O where to start. We were the first people on the tree lot, we got the best tree and we were off. The Tree was up that night and we put the lights on it while the kids were in bed. We wanted to decorate the next day but life got in the way. We turned the lights on for the kids that night though and they stood in front of the tree and just ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed for a good 15 minutes. Our little Mr. Drama Queen even bent down and kissed the lights.

We finally got to decorating the tree, we let the kids do all the ornaments so well our tree looks like kids decorated it but I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dad was out in the city a couple weekends ago so we met him at his hotel and took the kids swimming with my littlest sisters. When we first put the kids in the pool you would have honestly though we were killing them! They screamed SOOOOO loud. By the end of it they were doing okay but at first, holy freaking to the cow, they hated it. I am honestly thinking it was their first time swimming.

The next day we headed to The Festival of Lights. The kids loved it so much that we went through twice. Our oldest little monkey, Princess Mini Mom, kept saying "HOOK MOMMY,HOOK" (look mommy look). She was in heaven! The twins even stopped fighting long enough to see all the pretty sparking light. I think my favorite part was when Princess Mini Mom pointed to the reindeer and said "HOOK mommy puppy!"

I am loving being able to see the world through my kids eyes. I love watching them doing things for the first time and it brings so much joy to my heart. But as much as I love it these monsters wear me out! They have their own language (not kidding about that!) and they plot against me. We are also ending our "honey moon period" and I am seeing a lot more sass, and attitude and everyone is so dang emotional! I am really crossing my fingers that I get to be their mommy forever, but I don't want to get my hopes up to high..

Now for the hard question. What do I get them for Christmas!? WAHOOO WE GET KIDS FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Things are getting real up in here

2011-12-07T15:38:00.001-08:00

I don't remember if I mentioned and I am to lazy to check. But with our current little monsters their mom has already relinquished. Trial had now been set for the dad in about a month. I am freaking out and there are so many thoughts and feelings going on right now.

Crazyness at last!

2011-11-26T09:19:00.001-08:00

So, what is going on with my you may ask. Well we got a call for 5 kiddos, and then they didn't come into care..and then we got a call for three kids and well they didn't come into care.. and then FINALLY we got a call for another three kids and they were in care and needed picked up ASAP. So for just over a week we have had one year old boy (Prince Drama Queen) and Girl (Princess Sassy Britches) and their two year old sister (Princess mini mom). So right now I have two one year olds and a two year old, only they are all about the same age developmentally so it is more like three one year olds..... I have been slightly busy, But I love it! The only reason I am able to write an entire blog is because the hubby took all three kids, by himself (yes I think he is crazy!) out to breakfast to give me a break.

I love driving and looking back and seeing my entire back seat full of car seat and screaming kids. These kids have their own language.. I am not kidding!.. and they plot against me. They are VERY good plotters and they are firm believers in divide and conquer, they are very good at it as well. I feel like I heard cats all day....If you don't know what that means they you should get about 10 cats and try and heard them.

Non kid related news, Blaine got a truck on Thanksgiving. He has a 1968 Ford F250. We are no longer a 1 car family!! That means I am no longer stuck at the house all day long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am excited about this. It isn't like I really go anywhere, and I am not brave enough to go out alone with the kids again, but knowing that if I ever get crazy and want to leave I can is well...refreshing.

O O O O O OOOOOOJHJJ we have new carpet and I freaking love it!

Okay I think that is all.

When to say when.

2011-10-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

What has been going on in my life. Well I have been sick for almost two months now. I am finally on the mend but I am lacking in energy (I am sure depression doesn't help with that). Blaine has been sick for almost a month now and seems to be getting worse instead of better, he has some new antibiotics so hopefully soon will be back to normal.

Our girls have gone. We got a 30 minutes notice then were leaving (yes I am VERY bitter and hurt over this!) As soon as I got the notice I ran the girls to Blaine's work so he could give them one last hug. When I got home their stuff was everywhere. It sucked! I avoided it all for a few days and then finally when through and packed up their stuff. However because of the little notice I keep finding things and remembering how much I miss them. I hate saying goodbye it sucks! The other night Blaine mentioned that he misses being called daddy, My heart crumbled.

I am really hoping that we get a placement !soon! this house is WAY to quiet! I don't know what to do with myself when I am not care taking. I know that I should be cleaning and cooking but it seems pointless when it is just the two of us. Does anyone else of this same problem.

You may know that we recently (two months ago) started a remodel project that was only supposed to last a couple of weeks........However do to crazy lives and sickness this project has just say unfinished. We still need to sand and pain....does anyone want to sand? But we are getting we carpet! WAHOO!! It is super duper cheap but at least it wont be stained, at least for a few minutes.

We were finally able to sell my car. I miss her so much though. I loved that little car. I purchased her brand new she was pretty and nice and a good friend. But do to our growing/shrinking/then growing again/shrinking family the little car just wasn't cutting it when it came to car seats so I had to let her go. Currently we are a one car family causing me to be stuck at home a lot.

This weekend we are headed to my home town to help the family sell calves. Working cows is something Blaine has discovered since marrying me and he loves it (he is a strange strange man). My cute little city boy enjoys working cows...who woulda thunk it.

I am pretty sure one of our kittens is pregnant. Anyone want a kitten?

Lately I have been debating again on what to do concerning my cramps. I wish there was a way to know if I was even ovulating so I knew the next step. Bodies freaking suck and infertility is kicking my freaking big butt.

So how is life in your world?

Did you miss me?

2011-09-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

I know, I know it has been a while. We have been doing some knocking down of a wall and building of other walls. We are turning one of our living rooms into a bedroom so we are able to take 6 kids at a time. I can't wait to have a house full.

Right now on the remodeling we have the dry wall up and I think mudded, now we just need to paint, do finish work and carpet. We also need to build another wall up front to create a closet for our freezers to live in. I also had to get rid of my piano because the freezers took it's home. I miss my big piano, now how will I torture my kids with piano lessons?

Right now we still have our little ladies. I am pretty sure they will be going home in about a month. Some transitions are harder then others, I think that this one is going to be a hard one.

We are trying to sell our car right now so if anyone wants it please please buy it!

I am running out of things to write about, someone PLEASE give me ideas.

US!

2011-09-08T14:53:00.001-07:00

To a New Dear Friend:

Thank you somuch for taking the time to read our letter. We would like to give you a smallglimpse into our life, and help you get to know us a little bit better. We want to make sure you know how muchrespect and admiration we have for you. Your bravery and love is an amazing attribute that is in shortsupply. You are in our hearts always; wehope only the best for you and your baby in this and all your journeys.

About Us

We live inthe beautiful state of Utah. We are the proud parents to three dogs, two catsand a hedgehog. Our house is always fullof the sound of laughter, dogs snoring, cats purring and our hedgehog “Donkey”running in his wheel. We enjoy going tothe movies, trying new restaurants, helping my parents with their small ranch,taking drives in the mountains, white river rafting and making everyone laugh.We have recently joined the Patriot Guard Riders where we are able to welcomesoldiers home, be there to say good bye when they deploy, and show our deepestrespect at a fallen soldier’s funeral. We are foster parents and love it. Ourbiggest dream is to have a large family full of love, support and unconditionallove.

About Blaine

Blaine is acomputer nerd; if your computer is broken he will make it work again. Blaine is very quick witted and sarcastic. Heloves teaching others his talents. Blaine was raised in the city, and sincemarrying Heather has decided he wants to be a country boy. He LOVES helping hisin-laws with their cows and counts down the months, weeks and days until hegets to help herd cows. He loves the outdoors. He loves to travel and was ableto travel to other countries while in the army and can’t wait to see more.Blaine served his country for four years, as part of which, he served in Iraq.Blaine is the middle child of five kids. He loves sharing his knowledge withhis nieces. He is always the favorite when children are around and lovesentertaining and getting down on the ground to play with kids.

About Heather

Heather wasraised in small town in Utah where she ran, made “secret” forts and caughtrandom critters and bugs. She is the oldest of eight. Heather is also veryquick witted and sarcastic and enjoys making people smile and laugh. Heathergets to stay at home and take care of the house and foster kids and she LOVESit. Heather loves to take kids outside to enjoy and learn about the beautyMother Nature has created for us. Heather loves to travel and because of hermany family road trips when she was younger has been able to see many State andNational parks in the USA. Heather loves to hang out with her family and laugh.

A few words Heather would use todescribe Blaine

Funny,playful, strong, even tempered, loving, stubborn, hard worker and a go getter.

A few words Blaine would use to describeHeather.

Quirky, funloving, kind, caring, compassionate, eager to please, smart, funny, and alwayshelping others.

We are soexcited to grow our family through adoption, and not just with a child but witheveryone that loves that child. We are solucky that our children are going to be loved by so many; adoptive family,biological family, and great friends.

Love,

Heather& Blaine

(As well asour three dogs, Molly, Trey & Hudson, our cats Lilly & Gus, and ourhedgehog Donkey.)

I hate being human

2011-07-26T11:58:00.001-07:00

For some reason I thought a miracle happened and I got pregnant this month. Hello painful horrid cramps! Why am I dumb and think something that will never happen, happened. Well I am off to perform a self removal of my uterus before it kills me.

Cracking the gate

2011-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest struggles I have had is figuring out how much to allow these sweet angels into my heart. It is something both my husband and I struggle with. It is a way of guarding out hearts so we hurt as little as possible when our angels go back home.

You look at them and your heart screams " I am going to love you forever and never ever let you go, there is no way I could ever let you go"

Then your head chimes in "hey dummy there is almost a 100% chance that they are going home, hold back!"

There always seems to be this internal battle in us debating on how hard to fall in love with these kiddos. With our first placement we fell hard and fast. When they left we were crushed, it was hard to function. The second placement was a little easier but still we were crushed.

This weekend I saw my husbands gate crack a little and let the angels in even more. Now my husband has this thing about little girls. I think every daddy needs a daughter it is just an amazing beautiful love and bond. This weekend I just saw his heart open even more for these two little girls that he already loved so much. Seeing this warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. I hate to see my husband hurt. And I am certain that when our current angels leave we will be so heart broken.

I can't wait until we have angels that stay, and for my heart to say "Fall hard, fall forever, they are yours!"

Melting again

2011-07-01T19:45:00.001-07:00

Jbug holding daddy's finger while he feeds her.

Fatherhood

2011-06-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

To those of you that question weather or not my husband is a father. He is the greatest father I have met. He has loved on, tucked in, told stories to, comforted, taught, guided, listened to and fallen in love with seven children in this past year. He is a father in the truest sense of the word. He has also had to do something many fathers never have to, and has had to say goodbye to his children. Yet he still stands tall and keeps going. So to you I say. My husband is an awesome father, and I am blessed to see him raise our children

Melting

2011-06-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of things that made my heart melt this weekend.

The baby curled up on his shoulder
My brothers "sneaking" our oldest food after she dumped her plate and I told her she was done
My dad loving every child that comes into our home so much that his heart breaks with ours when they leave
My mom loving every child that comes into our home so much that her heart breaks with ours when they leave
Seeing loved ones that live to dang far away and getting lots of hugs
Watching our oldest wonder off
Watching our oldest play
They baby SCREAMING with other people and smiling the second I take her back and cuddle her only the way a true mommy me can
My gramma telling me she is proud of me
The way my husband still looks at me
The poor sad kitten that has 5 toes on one paw and 6 on another and tiny little eyes and small ears.
My family

Yes I am a horrible selfish person

2011-06-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

I need to vent for just a moment please

I am tired of raising other's kids! I just want to have kids that don't leave until I kick them out. I just want to be a mom. I want to be the one the chooses how my kids are raised and how they are educated and if or when they get shots and if they sleep in my bed and who I let watch them. I WANT TO BE A MOM! I am tired of being a freaking Fill in! I am tired of not being able to fall head over heals in love with these kids because I know they will break my husband and I's heart. I just want to know what it feels like to look in a childs eyes and know that I am incharge of protecting them, teaching them, loving them, and embarrassing them. Why can't I just want what I have....

Yes I know I am blessed beyond belief but right now I am just angry and hurt and I miss something I always wanted and likely wont have.

Weekend Away

2011-06-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

This last weekend Blaine and I went to Park City to enjoy a little "us time" it was SOOOOO nice! My parents were also in Park City so we got to spend some time with them. I have fallen in love with Colorado Chile and the Blue Iguana I ate it two meals in a row, I am very very addicted. We got to go swimming in the hotel pool we also sat in the hot tub. We walked old Main in Park City and also went to an improve comedy which was a blast. We also just did a lot of nothing and enjoyed each other. It was just what we needed.

On the way home we stopped at Cabella's to pick up Blaine's Father's Day present. He requested fishing poles for each of us and a tackle box. Sneaky boy made it so I get a present too..... Now I can't wait to go fishing just to find the time.

This weekend helped remind me why I married my Hairy Hubby. He is an amazing man! I was reminded that I am the most amazing lady in his eyes. He spoils me rotten and puts me first. I sure love my Hairy Hubby. He is an amazing father. His heart has been broken over and over again in our journey to become parents and yet he still allows himself to fall in love with these kids that will only tear our hearts out in the end. I love glancing over and seeing two little girls cuddled up to him and at peace.

Thank you Blaine for everything you are and everything you make me want to become. I love you sexy hairy hubby.

Ramblings

2011-06-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I find myself falling very hard for these two little girls in my home. And they the horrible voice in my head says "I really hope the go home soon so it doesn't hurt as bad!"

I feel like I haven't seen my husband much lately, when he gets home it is time for dinner and bed. we get to have an away weekend starting Friday and I am SOOO excited! I am also very excited to go swimming in the hotel swimming pool!! I am a child and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE hotel swimming pools.

I am so glad it is finally warming up, I try and go on walks once in a while because it seems to help my mood. I also just recently got a free sit and stand double stroller and I love it! The girls seem to like it too.

I don't know what else to blog about..

I am alive... I think

2011-05-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I have been AWOL we are all trying to settle. My house is a horrid mess anytime the kids are both not screaming I just want to sit and do nothing. I have been making dinner most nights which is good because I feel like a horrible wife if dinner isn't done when my hubby gets home from work. Dinner is one thing I pride myself in and I enjoy cooking as long as I know what I am cooking. My kitchen, front room and laundry are out of control. I feel like I am drowning! Since getting use to my house semi clean this chaos is stressing me out and making me SO grumpy, but I can't seem to get the umph to do anything about it. I just really want to sleep and sit and do nothing. I also find I am missing my husband. By the time dinner and baths and the girls are in bed I just want to collapse. Blaine seems to be very stressed which makes him go to his own corner. When I am stressed I seem to get clingy and needy...so well this doesn't always work.

Our family dynamic seems to change a lot, from just the two of us and trying to have kids, to just the two of us and figuring out how or if we will ever have kids, to waiting for foster kids, to our first placement, to mourning and emptiness to our hardest placement ever, to deafening quiet to two babies. I wish I could figure out our normal and that it wouldn't change so much. I have a hard time adjusting and it seems like once I kind of get it it changes SOOOOO much.

I am not a good house wife, I don't know how to clean and I can't wrap my head around how people keep a tidy house. I also feel like we have a hard time because I feel like not everything has a home and they keep moving around the house. With foster kids we have to have stuff for ages 0-18 (because we accept all ages) I don't know where to store this stuff when not in use. We have a TON of room in our attic but it isn't easy to get to and we don't own a ladder.

Because I feel like I don't have any control over the change in our house I want to control something. I REALLY want to change the color of our room. I however do not know how to be cute and craft and decorate. I also am allergic to spending money so I don't know if that will ever happen. But I really need a change I can control.

Some days I get really really bitter and angry. I hate that I can't have kids...and I don't mean birthing kids I just mean I really want some kids that don't leave and take my heart with them. I hate that I can read kids that I care take better then their parents. But I also know that I am not what these kids need, they need their parents I am just a place holder.

Do any of you fellow foster mom's have a hard time transitioning? What do you do to make it easier?

crazy wonderful..or just crazy

2011-04-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I have been AWOL. I don't really have much to say. we got a new placement about a week and a half ago. We now have two girls the youngest being 2 months and the oldest is just 12 months and 19 days older then her. So things have been crazy.. or FREAKIN' CRAZY!! I think I am getting re-used to no sleep. I always hate the in between period. I get used to sleep and "me time" and it makes transitioning hard on me. Looks like we will have these girls for about 8 months.

I seem to have a lot of hard days lately I am ready to just have my own kids that don't leave. I feel like getting down on the floor and throwing a "two year old" fit. Hopefully one day we will get some kids that don't leave until we kick them out and change the locks.

It has been nice to see Blaine holding two sweet babies, one tiny and one HUGE. But I am going to have a hard time watching his heart break when they go home. Daddies just have such a special bond with their little girls. I have become a firm believer that every Daddy needs a daughter.

I am having a hard time working cleaning into my schedule. My house is even gross for me and I don't like that AT ALL!! I am happy if I get dinner cooked lately and I used to pride myself in having dinner done and ready when my husband walked in the door.

Over Easter weekend we got some family pictures taken. It was so much fun!! Thank you so much for doing them for us Kristin! Kris did a wonderful job. I know she was nervous (because she told me) but she did wonderfully. My family is HUGE and well we are ummm loud and sarcastic and mean and just weird. Here are some of the picture she posted for a sneak peak. I think the pictures are proof of how CRAZY we are!

O and some amazing friends (heck they are sisters weather they want to be or not) have started a recipe blog. You can check it out Here!

Answers...

2011-04-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

to the few people that played a long on my prior post

Devin if I was an animal I would definitely be a bear, a big mean momma bear

Kristin, you can't think of a question because you know me so well and well we are both pretty dang boring

Mama Foster you didn't ask a question but that is okay cause your blog helps me feel that crazy is normal

Rachel, I will confess my love to you now. You are my most loved sister named Rachel, and I even love your face!

It isn't to late the rest of you can play just see the post about sleep being boring.

New addition to the Roberts household

2011-04-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Most days at least one of us if having a good day and coping with infertility well. This works out best for us because it also means that at least one of us has a little common sense. Well today I feel we may both be suffering a bad infertility day and not coping with with the fact that we can't just grow our family whenever we want to. Do to this and the EVIL EVIL KSL (KSL is not really evil and well I am addicted to KSL (online classifieds)) we now had a very sweet 4 year old obese chocolate lab named Hudson.

How could you go look at that sweetie and not take him home. The one looking like a ditzy clown on the left hand side is Molly and she is very grateful to have another big dog to run around with.

Hudson is fitting in very well with the family and even our neurotic, grumpy, old man of a little dogs seems to get a long with and love Hudson, this in and of itself is very amazing because Trey is a bit of a jerk and well an old man and very set in his ways.

Well that is what is going on in my crazy life. How do you cope with days when both you and your partner have a rough time with infertility?

pshh sleep is so boring...

2011-04-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

So I should be sleeping, but the house seems to be to quiet to sleep. So I have been watching the stats on my blog and I just wonder who is actually reading. I would love to know who is reading. Please leave a comment telling me who you are, your favorite color, and where ish you live. and then ask me something you want to know. If you have the guts to ask I will have the guts to answer.

My name is Heather, I love the color purple and I live in my house, in beautiful Utah.

Saying sorry

2011-04-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

Every time I make toast and jam I feel guilty. The reason being is when I was was a kiddo I requested (likely demanded) my dear mother to make me some toast and jam and I then threw a HUGE fit because she put butter on before the jam and I did not want butter on my toast just jam. Now I have to have butter then jam or else it isn't as yummy as it should be. So to my mommy I am sorry I was a horrible child I am trying to be a good adult.

To the room mates I had when I lived in Provo,
I was a HORRIBLE room mate. I was moody, I wasn't clean, I was in and out at very strange hours, I smoked and I didn't follow through.

To Toni and Michelle. I wasn't always honest and I wasn't the nice and I often used you for excuses. I am sorry!

To my siblings, I wasn't a nice sibling I was mean and I hurt you all physically and emotionally and for that I am sorry. Know that I will always love you and be here when you need me.

To everyone that I have said the wrong thing to or said nothing at all to I am sorry. To all those I have hurt I am sorry.

Teens in foster care.

2011-04-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to an open forum about teens in foster care and the need for parents. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is labeling foster kids as "damaged, bad kids", "kids with issues", "trouble kids". I get very defensive when hearing things like this and visualize myself punch the person in the face a few times. Granted we are newbies when it comes to foster care, we have only been licensed for a year and have only had 5 kids placed in our home. But the kids we have gotten really are amazing kids, and they are survivors.

One of the questions asked was how long do bad behaviors last once they are placed with you. HELLO!!! they are teenagers. I was not in foster care, I have amazing parents. When I was a teenager my parents and I hated one another, yes they will agree, now that I am growed up I can't imagine my life without them. But I well I was a peach (except not so much). I started drinking at 15, I started kissing and more with boys at 14, I was raped at 14 and then well lets just say I say myself as THAT being the only thing I was worth to men, I started smoking pot at 15 or 16, I would often sneak out of the house and be gone all night, or I would just leave to go hang out with friends and not come home until wee hours of the morning, there were times that I would leave for at least a couple days, I did not speak nicely to my family and I was okay with dieing. Let me repeat, I was NOT in Foster Care and my parents are and were amazing people.

Just because you are or are not in foster care doesn't mean you should be put into a box. I don't like how labeled foster kids become. They are kids! They are humans! They need someone to give them a hand and a heart. To those that ask, "well what if I get a foster kid and they yell at me or don't listen to me, or they do drugs or run away or have sex?" and I say.. What if you have a kid and they yell at you or don't listen to you or they do drugs or run away or have sex?? Does that mean they don't deserve your love, loyalty and guidance?

Quiet

2011-03-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

This house is super duper lonely and quiet. I keep thinking I need to feed the kids and wake them up and keep with our routine. THERE ARE NO KIDS TO KEEP THE ROUTINE WITH!! At least that is what I keep reminding myself of. Some minutes I handle things better then other minutes. I sure miss them and wish all the best to them and their family.

So now we sit and wait. We are accepting 0-18 and hoping for kids that are potty trained. We never know when, how, where, who, what, or why we will get a placement. I hate that us wanting kids means kids are going through trauma, it makes me feel guilty for wanting children that badly.

Also there are not carbs or chocolate in this house and I keep twitching and going through withdraws.

Bordem

2011-03-19T21:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes on a Saturday when you are laying in bed watching Ugly Betty this happens

Dear Depression

2011-03-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

So we meet again, you seem to visit at least four times a year. When the season change you come and visit, I really don't like you! I hate when you come for a visit when I already have a lot going on, it sure makes it harder to make you leave. I also don't like when life doesn't allow me to wallow for a while. Right now I really need to go get in bed and stay for a while, do nothing, make no decisions not have to care for anyone, and just be. As dumb as this sounds I seem need to embrace you before you can leave, and the longer I go without embracing and wallowing the longer you stay and the deeper I fall.

Depression, when people ask what they can do to help how am I supposed to say "let me do nothing, but don't tell me you are letting me do nothing." I am tired and I need you to leave.

Heather

On a happier note I have new hair! The hair dresser did it super super duper cute too!

Banker's Daughter

2011-03-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

I am a banker's daughter.. I have a very odd relationship with money, it actually controls my mood. This year we got taxes back instead of having to pay, YAY WAHOO WOOT WOOT, we have needed a new bed for a while so we decided to splurge, we found an awesome log king size bed and an awesome mattress all for only $850 and both were delivered. I love our bed it is so super comfy and amazingly incredible. Also our new bedding is my new best friend, I think it is the first bedding I have ever really liked.

We have been flying high on sleep and a comfy bed. Well until our dishwasher decided to be a jerk and DIE. I would kick it but it wouldn't be worth the energy. Now we are KSL-aholics we get ~~pretty much~~ everything on KSL so I started searching for our new dishwasher. Dishwasher posters of KSL you are CRAZY with a capital C R A Z Y wanting $100-$200 for a old, very used and usually broken dishwasher. So well I decided to start looking at brand new ones.

Friday after an ER visit and dropping our current "monsters" at their visit, we went to Best Buy ( I am okay with never buying anything there ever), then to the Sears scratch and dent, then to an appliance repair and used shop (that was a joke), then to RC Willey's outlet store.......and then back to the Sears outlet. Are you tired yet because I was. Well we found a few we kept opening and closing and looking at and shutting and walking away and then coming back and opening them and closing them and then looking at the ones we could never afford and then going back to the other ones.. and then we finally found our new Dishwasher. She was 40% off looked more gooder (yes I use that phrase) so we took her home installed her and washed all of our dishes, yes ALL of them because we hadn't had a dishwasher in close to a week and I have been to crazy, exhausted, sick, and such to even think about hand washing dishes. She is sooo super duper amazingly quiet and makes our dishes sparkler, she has so much more room and I can put things where ever I want I don't have to draw out a diagram for every load I am going to wash to make sure everything gets kind of clean.

After this purchase I was feeling dizzy and faint and made Blaine promise no more big purchases for a while because THIS "Banker's Daughter" couldn't take it. He promised, he is a good husband and listens and even obey's some of the time.

Well this morning we woke up and were pulling out of our drive way as I receive a call from my banker of a father. "Heather your SUV needs new tires before we take it on our family vacation" (iin three weeks)
Me "Yes Father I know"
Banker of a father "Big O is having a buy 2 tires get 2 free but only for the next 29 minutes CALL RIGHT NOW"

So well we have new tires now. I expect hives any moment now.

Crazy life = crazy wife

2011-03-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

Things have been a bit hectic here. Blaine had surgery February 17th to remove his tonsils. It wiped him out quite a bit, he is starting to be a little bit normal. On top of taking care of the helpless hair hubby our current monsters came back from visits a few days after the surgery super duper sick. I don't even remember sitting down last week but I am sure I did. On top off all of that I had a horrid ear infection. Now that the boys are feeling a little bit better my sister was nice enough to share a cold with me that her students shared with her. I want to just curl up and cuddle for a few days.

Looks like the boys will be going home in about three weeks. I am thinking we may do older kids for our next placement. We have always been open to kids 0-18 but preferred under 10. I think we are going to request 5 and older so we can do more fun things like games and outings and stuff. Also I want a break from diapers.

I can't believe it is march already!

O we have a new addition two cute little hedgehogs, we are selling one though because I don't want to clean two cages

O and we may have baby birds in about a month, currently our Ruby has laid two eggs, her and Munchkin have been doing very well at sitting on and protecting the eggs.

I am boring someone give me an idea of something to write or vent about.

resisting the urge...but not well

2011-02-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

When I am really struggling with infertility I want an animal preferably a very tiny baby animal. I REALLY REALLY want a puppy, or a hedgehog, or both.. okay I want both. The logical part of me is telling me that I don't need more animals.. but the want is overwhelming and winning. I have been battling myself for a few months now. I think if I walked by free puppies Blaine would come home to a bunch of furbabies..
KSL classifieds is of the devil...

Roller Coaster

2011-02-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how feelings can be so drastically opposites at the same time. I can't believe the roller coaster that comes with foster care. I think everyday the Hubby and I say we can't do this anymore, we are done, we are tired and the stress is hurtting our marriage, but some how we wake up every morning and do it all again. We hate that it sometimes feels like we are the only ones fighting for the best of the kids. But do we really know what is best for them or do we just want what is best for us. I feel that I am very selfish doing foster care. I feel all the reasons we do it are because of us. Because we can't live in the empty house, because we need the noise of children, and because we want to be parents so VERY VERY badly. But it isn't fixing the parent thing. I don't feel like a real mom, I don't get to make the choices, I get to raise the children in my home like I am told. To most involved in each case we are the bad guys. We are the reason that the kids aren't with them. Now the logic side of me knows we aren't the bad guys, we are not the reason the kids are in our care. But it hurts so much loving them like they wont leave knowing that they will. I always feel guilty celebrating holidays and milestones with the kids because they aren't my milestones and holidays to celebrate I feel like I am stealing the moments from the real parents. I guess my heart is just hurting right now.

News from the Us

2011-02-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

I am a grown up now, I am on a committee! I am part of a committee for an adoptions retreat. Info can be found HERE . It is going to be neat. I am excited. I am fairly new to the adoption world so I don't know much about adoption and it seems like and awesome way to learn more. They are going to have speakers from many areas of the adoption world. I am excited to learn and listen and be around people that all share a love of adoption. Also there will be food, fat girls like me LOVE food.

It looks like the boys will be going home in a little more then a month, at least I am 93% positive that they will be. Its sucks.. I don't really know what else to say other then that. I am not sure how many more pieces of my heart I can send away.

OOOO Exciting new!! My little sista RaeLene who just recently became an graduate of college and received her teaching certificate, is now employed WOOT WOOT she will be living with us until the end of the school year. WAHOO a live in maid and chef... but shhh she doesn't know that she is yet. I am oddly super duper excited to help grade papers.

My hairy hubby recently turned 30.. wow he is sure and oldie but I still love him. his party went well.

I have been doing better at keeping my house cleanish. I am very proud of this because I have to try VERY hard to get it done. Infact right now I should be cleaning but well I have a blog post to write!

As of today I am official library card carrying (that is a weird word) member of society. Now to try and remember how to use a library...

formspring.me

2011-01-26T20:48:00.003-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/dorkyfish

What is your favorite part of foster care?

2011-01-26T20:48:00.001-08:00

Those moments when I forget that they have to go home. When there is only the "now" and it is great.

When the twinkle comes back into their eyes.

When you see that first real smile and hear the first real laugh

When you see them overcome something they have been battling for so long

Thank you for this question!

Ask me anything

Agoraphobi

2011-01-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

Dictionary.com defines Agoraphobia as "abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas,sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks." It also goes on to say "a pathological fear of being in public places, often resulting in the sufferer becoming housebound."

I really dislike leaving the house
I despise being in a large group, especially when most if not all are strangers
I have this really odd thing where I can't stand in a walk way or feel like I am in the way of others.
I often talk myself out of leaving the house, even if the event I am leaving for sounds fun or is something that I REALLY need to get done, like grocery shopping.
Parties usually stress me out and I try and melt into a wall so I am not noticed
Being the center of attention makes me blush
Strangers are scary

I think I feel comfortable enough diagnosing myself with with agoraphobia. Will someone please come kidnap me and make me social and all that normal stuff. Thank you!

Adoption

2011-01-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

The Hairy Hubby and I have decided that the only way we think we can afford adoption right now is a Private Adoption. That means no agency, just us, lawyers and our birth family. That means we need to find our birth family. We need to get our name out there. We need help. I want to set up a blog for us on blogger and I would love some help and tips. I need to do pass along cards (let me know if you want some) we need word of mouth, tips and advise. Please help if you wish. Ask questions.. Thank you!

8 random questions

2010-12-30T16:58:00.000-08:00

asked by the lady here

1- What is the craziest thing you have ever done?
ummm get married and buy a house, I mean really think about it.. it takes a lot of faith to do those things and I did them in the same month.

2- If you won the lottery what would you do with the money?
Pay off all our debt, move to Roosevelt or surrounding area, start adopting left and right!

3- Who would you say is your best friend (besides your spouse)?
My mom, and my sisters (this includes Sarah and Kristin)

4- What does a perfect day look like for you?
Anything as long as I am a mom that day, and I don't mean a mom to kids I fall in love with and then they leave to their "real" family I mean a mom to my kids.

5- What are you passionate about?
Adoption, infertility, birth parents, family

6- Did you have any resolutions for 2010? If yes- what were they and have you accoplished any?
I don't think that I have ever made a resolution, I am boring

7- What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
Hopefully being a mom to many children, and loving on my husband, I would love to be livinging in the Basin as well.

8- If you could have a feast of your favorite foods- what would be on the menu?
plain cheese cake, Costco chocolate cake, mac and cheese, mashed tatos and gravey, stuffing, rolls, yummy chicken without bones in it, clam chowder from Zupas, icecream, and many more carbs

Updates and lots of pictures

2010-12-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

Where to start.....

The life changing comment from the last blog. Life is changing a little but not in the way were afraid of. So that is good, I think.

Christmas was amazing! The cabin was so beautiful and relaxing. We were able to cook lunch and invite my family over for lunch. It was so nice and yummy! I made my first pie EVER in the world, and my second pie too LOL. I made carmel apple pies, i didn't use a recipe and it was SOOOOO Yummy. My dad and two brothers left after the family picture to do chores and do boy things. and the rest of us played games. I think that my new favorite game is called Oodles. We also played Cranium Family addition. Here as some pictures! okay moving them around is driving me insane so they will kinda be random

I get bored on the drive and take pictures

A picture of the Cabin

More of the Cabin

Hannah..Silly Hannah

Best family picture...A lot of us were breathing from our nose or not breathing at all! Have any guesses why?

That is all of us..

Smiles don't say "I love you"

Oodles!

Buddah "wait I know the answer, no I don't, yeas I do, wait, yes, no"

RaeLene "times up"

Bored pictures while driving

Daddy and his hat

Hannah, Rachel and Keith

Flying stocking, Keith, Mommy

Sometimes we let her take her helmet off for picutres.

Kristi (the birthday girl), RaeLene

My dad is so cool that he wears two hats!

Our tree this year

My first pie

My second pie

The current monsters in our lives are getting super big, way to quickly. This placement has been a rough one for us. but it seems to be doing better, at least in our home. Monsters are finally starting to settle and feel secure, which has helped our stress level a lot.

Recently my sister RaeLene FINALLY came back from Washington D.C. where she was doing her student teaching. While she was staying at my house for a couple of days with another sister Rachel. We played games, ate at Dickies for the first time ever (WOW AMAZING FOOD!!) and went and saw the lights on temple square.

I am so lucky and blessed to have the amazing family that I do. Now I just need kids that I get to keep so they can be blessed too

Kids and Christmas

2010-12-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

Last night we took the boys to The Festival of Lights in Spanish Fork, Utah. The three year old had a blast! It was so adorable to see him get so excited for the lights and hide for the dinosaurs, because as he told us."they eat you num num num!" He waved at everything and got so excited. I am amazed at seeing things through a child's eyes. Things become so big and fun and fascinating.

We have finally set plans for Christmas So I am starting to get into the spirit a little bit more. We are Headed to stay in a cabin just the two of us. WOOT WOOT! It will be nice to be able to reconnect and spend some us time. We are also staying out by my family so we will get to spend time with them too.

Life may be changing again, I guess we will find out tomorrow.

Christmas threw up.

2010-12-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Well that is what our front room looks like anyways, like Christmas threw up ALLLLL over. No matter how hard I just can't get into the spirit of Christmas. Maybe it is the lack of snow. I mean really rain in December...Do I live in Utah?? Maybe it is the lack of plans for Christmas, lately all that we do has to be scheduled around weekly visits. Maybe it is the lack of funds for gifts, yet another year when there will be nothing under the tree. Maybe it is because I haven't sat on Santa's lap. Could it be that I have cleaned up vomit more days then not this month, I am pretty sure that Darren's sheets have been washed more this week then mine has been washed in over a year. Maybe it is the unknowing of what will happen after Tuesday, the fear to get to close. Maybe it is my grumpy husband that no matter what I do he is still in a funk. I guess after all this whining....Does anyone know how to get me into the spirit?

Fun Stuff

2010-12-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

So we helped my dad "preg check" cows November 20th. This has an entire different meaning now that I know I am infertile. For those of you who are city folk, "preg checking" is when a vet shoves his hand up the private area of a cow to find out if said cow is pregnant and if she is how far along. Do you know what happens to the ones that are NOT pregnant......well they are butchered and eaten. So if you can't get pregnant you get dead....ouch. The cows were well behaved for the most part..other then the one that ran into my brother...but have no fear my 15 pound dog defended his honor...well he tried to defend Keith's honor.

Our current 3year old LOVES cows so he had a blast. Thanks to "Pappa Steve" (my daddy) every time this little boy sees a cow he says, "freak cows!!" and by says I mean yells with the biggest smile on his face. It is funny that something I am not the hugest fan of can bring such joy to a little guy. Our little dude also got to ride out the for-da-wheel-ar (four-wheeler) with "Keithy". He loves Roosevelt and always hates to leave. He has asked everyday since we got home when we get to go back.

For thanks giving our two current monsters were on a visit. Blaine and I had Thanksgiving dinner for just the two of us. It was super nice and super yummy. We haven't had much "us time" so it was perfect. And for dinner Blaine's Grandma invited us to eat at Mi Mi's Cafe, NEVER AGAIN, I got super sick not fun.

The Saturday after thanksgiving we went up to the cabin of one of Blaine's other grandparents. It was just what the doctor ordered. It was so nice and relaxing to do nothing is such beautiful country. We even went sledding. Our oldest is the biggest wimp and I really thought he would cry the entire time down, boy was I wrong. He loved it and didn't want to stop. I however was VERY nervous it looked scary but after the first time I to was hooked. He was cute and the top of the hill he would got "2, 5, 9" (or other random numbers) and then would go "WEEE, YAY, WAHOO!" the entire time down it was super cute. We also went on a four-wheeler ride so we could see all the beauty god created. Blaine cooked all the meals while we were there so that was a nice break too. The baby got to play in the snow.. He loved it until he tried to crawl and got a face full of snow, I laughed, he screamed and when I brought him inside he made sure to pick up all the pieces of snow and eat them. I also LOVED how we could see so many stars, I really miss the stars while I am in the city. Sunday came and it was time to go home, and no mater how much I wished to be snowed in it didn't happen. I wish I could make this post less boring and post pictures, however do to rules I can't post pictures of our currents and they are in all the pics. Sorry guys.

I can't think of a question to ask... so what is the first thought that pops in your head?

2010-11-22T10:17:00.001-08:00

I need a weekend away with my husband. I sure seem to miss him a lot. It seems like lately we are always going and we don't get to enjoy each other as much as we used to

Ask me anything

What is your favorite thing to do in the summer?

2010-11-22T10:16:00.001-08:00

This summer I enjoyed being outside and going swimming I have decided that my husband thinks I am beautiful so who cares what I look like in a swimming suit.

Ask me anything

Not meant to offend

2010-11-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

Does EVERYONE have to be pregnant? I hate that I wont ever have a natural child birth. I hate that I don't get to decide weather I breast feed or use formula (I HATE FORMULA) I hate that I don't get to choose how to raise the kids in my house. I hate that I can't feel a baby kick. I have no control over the care of the child in utero. I am angry I am mad. And I am tired of rising other people's kids all for them to go home and everything I have done be un done. I am tired of worrying sick about kids that aren't mine while they are on visits. I hate that I can't just get nekkid with my husband and "ooops we weren't planning to get pregnant so soon" we wont even be married a year by the time we have our first. I want push a baby out and look it it in it's gooeyness and see my husband in it's face. I thought I was over this but I am not. Ever since I could remember I wanted to breast feed and have a home birth (I know it isn't aloud in Utah) I wanted my mom and husband to be there holding my hands while I scream in pain. I wanted to feel the baby kick my bladder. I never got a bridal shower since we got married so quickly (oddly that made me very sad) and I wanted to atleast have a baby shower..for once I was going to be okay with attention on me. I want to see my husband be a daddy and not have worry about how bad it will hurt when they leave. I hate having to worry about weather or not to get on birth control because of the "what if". I hate the actual physical pain each month that says "haha your aren't pregnant" I hate that I can't share pictures and laughs and heart aches with many people when it comes to the kids in my house do to privacy. I hate seeing some people that get to be parents...well if you define a parent as someone who shares genetics with the child...not in the actual parenting part. I hate that I deal with the hard parenting stuff and "they" have the fun stuff... weekends and holidays and birthdays. I want the bad with the good. I don't like having much control on how I plan out my time.. I have to plan around "their" time. I hate how angry I get when I see posts on KSL and Freecycle requesting things for their unborn/born children because they can't afford to get it. Why don't they post the child on KSL or Freecycle.. I would be willing to take that. I don't like when people call me a saint. I am not a saint. I am selfishly doing foster care because I can't stand how lonely and quiet our house is.

Now I know that I have blessings. I have an amazing man as a husband. I am blessed with an awesome family that supports me in everything, doesn't judge me and loves me no matter what. I have a house, our bills get paid mostly on time and I have food in my belly. I also live in the prettiest state.

A year

2010-10-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in a year. At this time last year we (my family) were all saying goodbye and mourning my grandfather. This time last year was a whirlwind and a bit of a blur. There was family everywhere and no where quiet. It is also the hardest thing to your daddy break down. I sure love my father. He is an awesome strong caring man. I am very blessed to have him. I also really miss my grandpa. I don't like that if i ever have kids they wont get to know him. I sure miss that man. I never though that I would miss hearing the same stories and jokes over and over but I do. The lesson I am learning from this is saying goodbye.

The next thing that happened is I broke my ankle. I would not recommend this to anyone. It did help teach me lessons that I think I needed to learn before this entire foster care stuff. I learned that I sometimes have to allow people to help me and that is okay.

In January we became officially foster care licensed parents. And I started working again for a little while. I remembered how much I hated the phone but loved working with fun people and for a good company. I also learned how badly I wanted to stay home.

In March we got our first placement (I think it was March) We had our first holiday with kids it was fun to see them run around looking for eggs and hiding eggs for one another. I got to see my parents be grandparents for the first holiday. Wow my kids are lucky they have some amazing grandparents. I can't believe how quickly we fell in love with our first placement they fit so perfect. We were told they wouldn't leave.. and then they did. Our hearts broke.. and they each took a piece with them.

Then in August we received a different placement and many many more lessons that we need to learn. Like.. I enjoy babies that don't crawl a little more then babies that do LOL and soon we may be learning on how to raise a child that needs a little more help.

I am now a stay at home wife and "mom" I feel that I really suck at it. They house is never clean. I seem to never have food lately. Mostly because I haven't gone shopping in a long time. I am also having a hard time balancing everything, being a wife, "mom", sister, daughter etc..Does anyone else have these problems? What do you do? I feel like I can never get my house to square one so it is only upkeep. Any tips on how to get to this point?

I feel like this year has been a really long year. I also feel like a lot has happened. I have grown closer to my husband and family and realized how amazingly lucky I am. Now this blog doesn't cover the half of it, but all that i can't think of to write about while pretending to take take of two little monsters

I am so lucky

2010-10-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't think that I have wrote much about my family. I am the oldest of 8 kids, and the baby is 6. There are five of us girls and 3 boys. I wasn't the nicest teenager. Now I know that it isn't normal for a teenager to be nice.. but I was HORRIBLE!!! I had a lot going on, among other things. Maybe one day I will delve into this but maybe not. During these very dark years I was convinced that my parents would not be a part of my adult life. I didn't want them around me or my kids. I am SO glad that I finally grew up! I can not imagine my life without my parents in it. They are amazing people. Without them I am certain I would not be who I am today. This weekend has been a very tough one for our family. I have lost a lot of faith in human kind. I have had to try and learn the hard lesson that I can't always protect my siblings. This hurts me a lot. I am a "Mother Bear" of sorts. I will only snap at you if you poke me, but if you even look at a loved one wrong I am liable to kill you. I don't like the amount of anger I currently have in my heart but I don't know how to process what happened this weekend. It all makes no sense to me. I don't know how to work through my current feelings. And I hate seeing my siblings in the same ship as me and not being able to process it. Do to this horrible heart wrenching thing my parents are currently down with my Brother (the oldest brother and 2nd child of the family) taking care of him. I am attempting to play "mom". Luckily my family was staying at my house the night things happened so my parents were able to leave the kids and go. I hope I am helping with at least some stress in them knowing that these kids are okay and that they are able to focus on Keith. I came back to Roosevelt, Utah (my home town) with my siblings to make sure that everyone can get to school and get places that they need to go. I had to leave my hairy husband at home. I sure miss him. I am greatful that I have him. I am greatful for my parents. I know that they will be there for me no matter what I need. I know that they will support me in everything. I know that they are here for our family. I am so glad that we have a close family, we may be very very crazy and loud but I am glad that we have each other. I am glad that I was raised to always be there for one another I am glad I was taught respect and how to treat others I am very glad that I was taught that without family you have nothing, friends come and go but you are stuck with family. Thank you dear lord for my crazy family.

TMI...I am sure of it

2010-09-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

So I notice my blog is very boring. I would like to make it more boring. Lately I have been feeling like I really need to get on some type of birth control. 'What, a infertile person needs birth control?' Well yes we do. LUCKY US!! (Not so much) My cramps have been taking me out of commission for at least a day and that is even with tons and tons of drugs. It is hard to be out of commission for at least a day a month with little monsters in the house. I do have an amazing hairy husband that steps up when I can't move but I hate being in that much pain. You may find yourself asking why I am not already on birth control if the pain is that bad. Because there is like the smallest itsy bitsy tiny smallest chance that we could get pregnant and I feel like if I get on birth control then I am shutting a door on God and not letting him do what he wants to do . But I am also tired of the little tinj of heartache when grumpy Aunt Flo comes around. I still don't know what to do. My amazing hairy husband said that the chance of maybe getting pregnant isn't worth the pain he sees me in. I sure love that man. So now.. what to do..

Well that was a gross post.. Sorry guys just had to get it off my chest I guess. Today my goal is to get laundry done and I would LOVE to get our spare room put together but I don't know if I can do that by myself. So How is everyone of my 4 readers?

hmph

2010-09-18T08:53:00.001-07:00

Do you ever just want your mommy? Today I do!!! I am sure I would move to the "Basin" in 3 hours flat today..

Sleeping, and not sleeping

2010-09-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have a 6 (close to 7 month) old foster baby that WILL NOT sleep unless he is bundled in 2-3 blankets so he can't move, with a bink in his mouth. Today he fell asleep under a blankey YAY that is so exciting to me. I would see if his bink was in his mouth but I am afraid that he might wake up.

This last weekend the hairy husband and I went to Park City, Utah for a night. We even dressed up and went out to dinner, and then Chocolate Factory for fudge, and then the liquor store. We tried a Strawberry White Zinfandel. Blaine took one sip and he was done.. I had a glass it wasn't bad but not my favorite that is for sure. On the way home Sunday we stopped at the Hub and had breakfast and peach pie... I WANT MORE OF THE PEACH PIE!! It was home made with fresh peaches it was amazing and Delicious. Blaine then got me a clock that I have been wanting FOREVER I love it. I am a luck woman to have such an amazing man. I love my husband sooooooooo much. The get away was just want we needed.

Changes

2010-08-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while ( I am not sure that many people read the blog so I am sure no one noticed). We received another placement, two boys, 6 months and 2 years. This adjustment has been much harder then our prior one. The actual case has been easier however. We have actually been in the loop and know what the goals are. I can't tell you how amazing this is for us. It has mad it a lot easier. The 6 month old is finally sleeping through the night now too so that is helping. I feel horrible for the sweet two year old though, he misses home and his parents so much. Each day seems to get a little easier for him.

Blaine and I are taking another night at a hotel. We have sure missed each other lately, which makes me grumpy. It also seems like we have been going non stop for a while. Our yard sale is over and well we didn't do so great at all. So we have all the stuff in our yard still. I am willing to pay someone $20 to come take it away today!

Speaking of my wonderful husband and our yard sale. He manned the second yard sale all by himself so I could go to a funeral in my home town. He is an amazing man and I am so glad that I have him. We may not like each other sometimes but I am so greatful he is mine. He is the best Man in the entire world. He is such a strong person and he keeps me sane.

Grandpa

2010-07-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

All days I miss my grampa but somedays I forget he is gone and wonder what he is doing, and then get hit by a ton of bricks remembering that he isn't on this earth anymore. I sure miss hearing him say "we sure are proud of you guys" "I sure do love you, you are a good kid" My grandpa was an awesome strong man, he taught me that duct and bailing twine will fix everything, and duct tape makes awesome band aids. I hate that my kids wont ever get to meet my awesome grandpa here on earth but I know that he is up there loving on them and teaching them all about duct tape and bailing twine. I really miss his stories.

I loved how unforgettable you made my wedding day. I miss hearing about all your horses, every time I see a horse i think of you. You were the best grandpa anyone could ask for. I miss you saying "Heather Feather how is the weather?"

Grampa I sure love you and I am really proud of you. I miss you a lot. Give our babies some loves for us please, but don't keep them up there to long I sure want to love on them!

Fun!

2010-07-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went with some friends to Lagoon. Lagoon is our only amusement park in Utah. I had so much fun with my hunny, he acts kike a kid that is FINALLY tall enough to ride all of the rides. There have been very few smiles lately and he was just beaming. We are also going back next weekend on the bounce back pass. And then on August 2nd we have a foster care party at Raging Waters WAHOOOO.

I drove out to my home town of Roosevelt after Lagoon. I love Roosevelt it renews my heart and soul. I wish we could move out here sooner rather then later. I am out to pick up stuff wonderful people are donating to sell at our yard sale. So if you are reading this and have stuff for me to pick up in the Basin let me know.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support

Our adoption website!

2010-07-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Our adoption website is live HERE I am so excited and I love it. It was done by Kimberly Walsh you can e-mail her at designer@kwalshdesigns.com she was so fast and sweet and amazing and crafty and awesome and brilliant! Thank you SOOOO much Kimberly

Getting into a different shape.

2010-07-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have recently been conned by a very dear friend to go walking in the morning so we can be healthier. I woke up before 10am this morning to go walking. Those of you that know me, KNOW that I don't like waking up. We started walking at about 7:30 and it was already hot! I miss having cool morning and evenings. I currently have quarter sized blisters on my ankles. All I ever wear are flip flops so my ankles don't know how to handle tennis shoes. Maybe tomorrow we should go bike riding, that will be easier on my ankles, but harder on some other parts. We are also considering buying a membership to a gym but I have a REALLY hard time with the amount you pay to join a gym.

I have noticed since being just the two of us + three dogs and some fish that our bedtime has gone out the window. It used to be a rarity for us to be in bed and sleeping after 10pm now it is a rarity for us to even be thinking about sleeping at 10pm. I think I had an easier time making myself clean when we had kids. Dishes certainly got done more then once a week. And I think laundry was more likely to get put away.

We are getting a website built for us for our adoption. with a button so that people can donate to help us get to our goal for adoption. And so people can get to know us a little better. I am super excited!!

yard sale!

2010-07-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

We are deciding to start working harder on being able to afford adoption. So we are crazy enough to do another yard sale this year. We are of course requesting donations on things to sell because well we don't have anything to sell. I am so overwhelmed that I have no idea where to start. So if you want to help or have any ideas please let us know.

As I mentioned I am having a hard time cooking with it being so hot and only being the two of us. If anyone has any easy CHEAP easy quick recipes I would love to hear them.

2010-07-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a week since we have gone back to just the two of us + three dogs and some fish. I can't remember the last time this house was so quiet, well except when the kids were getting into trouble. Last night Blaine and I started some more foster classes on how to better help youth. The teacher made this statement and it has just stuck with me. "Respect is not how you act but who you are" I have a hard time with "kids these days" and lack of respect. I am a firm believer that everything starts with respect. If you have respect for god, others, and yourself that your behavior will show that.

Currently Blaine and I are unsure where we are going with our life. We are taking at least one more placement and then seeing how we feel about things after that. But until we get kids we are just enjoying each other. I have found it hard to cook for just the two of us though. Sometimes it just seems like such a hassle for two people.

We have been advised of a possible adoption situation. I don't have many details but wouldn't mind prayers.

This weekend we went to my home town. We had a family reunion that the hubby and I helped my dad make a dutch oven dinner for. I sure am blessed to have been raised in such amazing country and to have such an awesome family. I didn't realize how amazing they were until I realized that they weren't the norm. We played volleyball at this said reunion... I STILLLLLL hurt... I feel I may be getting old. But it was A LOT of fun.

I knew it was an evil evil thing

2010-06-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

The trampoline has claimed it's first victim.....my toe! I am pretty sure it is broken. Please send casseroles and flowers and money too.

Swimming!

2010-06-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Swimming was a blast! Reagan actually didn't hold onto me like she was trying to be me. I used sunblock(because i am so white i glow in the dark) I am now so red I could be mistaken for a cooked lobster, and i am getter redder OUCH. I do love my "supportive swimming suit"

Is it Friday yet? Blaine and I are having a "pretend to like each other again" weekend and it seems like it is taking FOREVER!!

2010-06-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

The boys have been gone now for two weeks. We did see them last weekend when we dropped Reagan off for a visit, i felt my heart re-breaking and the numbness going away. I didn't know it was possible to love someone soo much. I just hope they know how much they are loved and by soooo many people. Those boys are amazing people. And will do amazing things with their lives.

We found out Reagan can be gone as soon as next week. I am glad that she will be back with her brothers. But selfishly missing her already. She is such a sweet sunshine.

Our weather has been COLD, turned the furnace on, COLD! But today better be warm because we are going swimming!! I am so excited, excited enough that I am even willing to put on a swimming suit. I also have a a new swimming suit that I think that I actually like.

I don't know if i have told anyone lately but I love my husband. He is such a great man. He is my rock. He keeps me going. He makes me smile. He is also an AWESOME punching bag. I am so glad that god let me meet you and have you in my life.

We went to Cabella's on Sunday to pick up some crawdad traps for my younger, taller, brother. I found couches that I really Reallly REALLY want. Blaine informed me that even if I had 3 million dollars and all our bills were paid and we had all the kids we could never handle I still wouldn't buy them. Apparently he thinks I am a tight wad and a banker's daughter, all of which are true... but I think I could do it.. maybe...I would atleast buy the cute $7.00 sign that said "A grumpy old bear lives here with his honey" with that 3 million dollars.

This blog needs some humor... Reagan has taken to pulling down my shirt to show my cleavage, pointing, and VERY loudly (in public) shouting "Butt momma BUTT!"

2010-06-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Our trampoline is up! Our girl is a little timid about playing on it, she is however warming up. I have decided 3 kids is SOOOOOOO much easier then 1. Lately our current one has not left my side on purpose for more then three minutes. I am babysitting three other girls today so hopefully that will help with the "clingy-ness"

I am very blessed with a very patient and understanding husband. I have been less then up to par when it comes to house work and cooking. I have also been nice and grumpy.. He just smiles and walks out of the room. We have planned a get away next weekend. Hopefully that will help us refresh and renew. I got the room for half off so I am super excited and proud. I am not the nicest wife in the world. So I would like my husband to know how much I love and appreciate him. Without him I would be nothing.

Lately I have been having a hard time with infertility. I am a person that has never wanted to do IVF recently I have been willing to go through all the pain and emotions that go through that. I am certain if we had the money that I would be and the doctor with my legs in stirrups. We are starting to realize that we will likely not have a family that we raise for ever, instead a family we raise for a while and teach them lessons we hope the carry forever. I am having a hard time accepting that.

I just read such a cute refreshing book. A Room with a Zoo by Jules Feiffer. It was an easy read and I could have read it all in one sitting but Blaine made me go to sleep.

Just Checking in

2010-06-03T14:19:00.001-07:00

It has been a little while since I have posted anything. I guess it is because I have had so much to say but so little that I knew how to say. The boys have gone. So we just currently have the little girl. The house is far to quiet. I don't know how to entertain just one child. I should have more time to do my housework now but I am just DRAINED!

Guys please give me ideas on what to blog about.

2010-05-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

We found out our hearts will be walking out the door a week from Tuesday. The two oldest will be leaving. Why can't i just be a mom? How am I supposed to deal with this pain. What about the kids...

Rambling

2010-05-11T10:22:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I haven't Blogged in a while. I have a lot going on in my head and have been afraid that it will come out negative. We found out last week that the boys could be gone as soon as the 24th. This breaks my heart, I know it is what we signed up for, but that doesn't make it easier. I just hope I have made a change for the better in their lives and that I have taught them some life lessons. I can't believe how much they have grown in every way in the past two months. Today is two months exactly. It is hard to imagine how our life was before when there was only Blaine, I and the pets. I love these kids so much. I sure hope that when they walk out of this house with my heart in their little sweet hands that a new one grows back soon.

On a lighter note...
We are now the "proud" owners of a trampoline. This may seem trivial to some, however for me I am very anti-trampoline. They scare me, I mean I love jumping on them, kids get hurt so easily on them. The trampoline ownership is a HUGE step for me. Our first rule however is that no other kids can jump on it without written permission from their parents.. that note will also need to include their name signed in blood, and notarized and finger prints and a copy of photo id and insurance card. That isn't going overboard is it? I mainly want it so in the summer we can have camp outs on the tramp. We also have a fire put that i want to get set up so we can roast marshmallows. (roasted peeps are a little piece of heaven by the way)

So I had my first Mother's day as a mom this year. My sweet monsters each got me a daisy and a hug and Hunter made a card for me at school. I also requested to not have to yell at them. They did better then par so no complaints. God really has blessed me with these cute angles.

Payment for being a mom

2010-04-29T14:56:00.001-07:00

Recently my boys were out on our back steps playing with side walk chalk and a see a little four year old hand pop through the door with three dandy lions. I then hear in my sweet Carter's voice "I got these for you, can you put them in a vase" I get a vase and my sweet carter and my caring Hunter feel it up as much as they can and order me to put them in the window.

My flowers have since ummm stopped living but still sit in my window seal because every time i see them it make my heart smile, and ache at the same time. I wish life had a pause button I hate knowing that I may have to watch my heart walk away in the hands of three sweets kids in the future. I love them SOO much and knowing that they will walk away is indescribable.

Thanx Missy

2010-04-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

I would like to blog about another blog Now I have never done this before so please bare with me.

She put something into words that I never could "We learned very quickly after we announced our intent to adopt that Satan hates adoption and fights it with all his might. The spiritual warfare we have contended with has been real and intimidating. As more Christians hear the call of god to rise up and protect the orphan, the armies of the Enemy assemble and seize ever opportunity to attack." Wow thank you Missy! Thank you for putting my feelings into words.

This one Paragraph has made such a difference in my life and given me peace. Thank god for answered prayers.

Apple Slicer

2010-04-12T13:38:00.001-07:00

So I have always seen those apple slicers int he store.. you know they are round, and then have the lines that meet in the middle to another circle to core the apple. If you understood that description you are amazing. Anyways i would see those and think.. wow how lazy could you be to need one of those.. now that i have kids that like cut apples i completely understand them and why you need them! I now need one and the next time i go to the store i am sure to get one. For those of you that were confused by my description I have found a picture.

I would ask if you would pick your vacuum over your husband, but then I realized you might need the vacuum to clean the hairy husband....

2010-04-10T10:39:00.001-07:00

Yeah if it wasn't for the hairy husband i wouldn't ned the vacuum

Ask me anything

Why will you only own black and white dogs? And why isn't one of them a dalmation?

2010-04-10T09:44:00.001-07:00

Dalmations are hyper crazy dogs.. even more so then my brats.. and Blaine is the reason we have black and white.. I guess dogs have to match.. clothes on the other hand, not so much

Ask me anything

Do you feel like foster/adoptive parents are held to a "higher standard" than moms who give birth to their children? As an adoptive and foster mom, I feel this way sometimes. Is it just me?

2010-04-07T12:31:00.001-07:00

I do feel some people do hold foster, adoptive, and families who suffer from infertility to a higher standard. Just because we wanted babies for so long and with every bit of us doesn't mean we have an easier go at the whole parent thing. I find people always think we have no clue as to what we are getting into, if we didn't know what we were getting into we wouldn't have spent endless nights crying from empty arms. we would not have had people come into our homes, lives, and families to judge if we are "good enough" to be parents. We wouldn't spend countless hours balancing preparing for a baby/child and trying not to torture our self by having kid things in the house. We wouldn't hide the tears with a smile every time we hold some one's baby or someone announces a pregnancy. We are parents too.. we are new and what we are doing and even though we adopted or are fostering kids they still did not come with an owner manual. I ofter feel like I am a blind person trying to separate clothes into groups by colour. I have no clue what I am doing a lot of the time and feel that because I wanted kids so badly I can't ask for help. I love my kids sooo much.. and that makes it even harder because sooner or later I have to say goodbye.

Ask me anything

What has been the funnest part since those cute kids came into your home. Oh, and the funniest. And your favorite.

2010-04-07T09:26:00.001-07:00

The things that stick out in my head..The first night that Carter didn't wipe off my kiss and gave me a "squish my head off hug" when tucking him into bed. Hunter's first day of school when he ran all the way back in the house just to give me a hug! The first time Reagan said "yes please" and "ma-mom-mommy-mama-ma-mom" and i said "what" and she said "hi"

my favorite is like this morning when three smiling (well four if you count my hairy husband) are right there when I open my eyes. I feel ever so blessed... I just hope to do good by them

Ask me anything

2010-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

I need things to blog about. Please help me out here! Thank you!

SOOOOOOOO Tired!

2010-03-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning we were blessed with three sweet amazing cute kids. The kids have adjusted AMAZINGLY well, us as the foster parents... well we are working on adjusting. I have decided being pregnant is by far the much easier was of being a parent, and this is why....
1- you know about around the time the kid can come that way you can prepare and get things you know you will need

2- you are used to lack of sleep because you were so uncomfortable while pregnant that you learned to manage.

3- you have a baby and usually one at a time

4- you know the child and for the most part are able to tell what the need

More to come I am sure.

Don't think that i don't feel blessed, because I am overwhelmed with how lucky we are right now. Tears well up in my eyes quite often.

2010-03-08T12:45:00.001-08:00

This Saturday I babysat four kids 9 year old boy, a 4 year old girl, a 2 year old little boy and a 5 month old infant. To say the least it was a day, there was ruining someone's playing card, there was hitting, there was my 3 month old puppy being thrown off the top bunk bed, there was a baby that wouldn't sleep for more then 15 minutes at a time, this same baby was also exercising her vocal chords with screaming. Needles to say I kept looking at the clock waiting for the time when mom and dad would come pick them up and I could tattle on them and send them on their way. I for the first time "knew" there was no way that I was fit for foster care, I was having a hard time babysitting how could I handle having kids left and my house and being their "mom" I was ready to call and say "just kidding I don't think I am cut out to be a foster mom" and then the kids were gone and my house was so deafeningly quiet. So now just new rules,
1- dogs are not aloud on the bed during "play time"
2- If you break it you do chores to earn money to replace it
3- Babies must nap longer then 15 minutes
4- "exercising the vocal chords" is only aloud somewhere else when I am not there
5- adults get nap time too
6- hitting is not okay and I will chop off your hands no questions asked

Now I am sure this list will grow greatly.

Now I know better then to whine to everyone about how quiet my house is, I however will still continue to whine about it until I get a noisy house again..

2010-02-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

I have become a very bitter person.... why can't I just be happy for people that are pregnant and people that have kids?

2010-02-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

Well we had our last person come over and grill us before we are able to do foster care. Tomorrow we will be presented to the board, and if we pass then we wait for a placement any where from one day to years, I really hope that we pass and get kids in this home soon. I am so ready to be a "mom"

Waiting

2010-02-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

We have been waiting since January 13th for a call from our Resource Family Consultant so we can start waiting for foster kids. I am so tired of waiting! Will there ever be kids in this house? Will I ever get to be a mom? Can one thing just go smoothly without any brick walls? GAH!

Why

2010-01-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when someone tells me about their good new do I want to just break down and cry. I hate how consumed with envy I have because since June. In fact I remember one time being told how a customer at my last job had a miscarriage and I was SO jealous because she actually got to be pregnant for just a moment. I feel like such a horrible person because I felt this way. I know it is stupid but I still can't stop the feelings.

My First EVER

2010-01-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay well I have always wanted to blog but never really knew what to say. I am sure that these posts will be full of rambling.

Blaine and I found out June 17, 2009 that we do not have the recipe to make babies. We were gun ho and ready to adopt. and then we started getting prices, WOW, we tried to raise money we got so close and I then became unemployed. We starting thinking more and more about foster care and decided to bit the bullet and get certified. We completed all eight, four hour classes in November. Side note.... I broke my ankle November 6th so this was even more challenging. We completed our classes and then December just disappeared we did our safety check January 13th. We are now waiting for our Resource Family Consultant to give us a call so we can start getting place with children. Going through this process of bringing kids into our home has help teach us some hard lessons, some of which we are still learning. It has also forced us to have some hard talks and take some detailed looks at us as people and who we are and what we want to become.

We also lost my grandfather the end of October, I am still trying to remind myself that he isn't here anymore. It is hard knowing that my children wont get to know him. I sure miss that man.

Well I guess I am done rambling for now.